<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>ending scene by shadowkissed</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784266">ending scene</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkissed/pseuds/shadowkissed'>shadowkissed</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Actor Choi Beomgyu, Actor Choi Soobin, Actor Choi Yeonjun, Alternate Universe - Actors, M/M, One Sided Choi Beomgyu/Huening Kai, One-Sided Attraction, Producer Huening Kai, Secret Crush, Stylist Kang Taehyun, in-film bullying, in-film death, in-film drug dealers, in-film minor violence, lapslock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:13:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,210</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkissed/pseuds/shadowkissed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“if you’re as good as acting as you claimed to be—“</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“i am!”</i>
  <br/>
  <i>“—then it shouldn’t be hard to make up some scenario to get soobin hyung’s number, right?” </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>(aka actors!au where on his first silver screen project, beomgyu got paired up with his long-time crush.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>263</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>ending scene</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “why do you care so much, for god’s sake?” soobin’s voice is in the verge of cracking as he yells. he’s at his limits, fuelled by anger especially at the way he’s being pinned against the rough brick wall that’s digging against his back. his arms restrained by desperate fingers. nails clawing to his skin.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “that’s because—“beomgyu pauses, staring straight into the pair of eyes glaring at him with hatred. his chest tightens, unable to get used to it even after so many times being engaged in this kind of situation.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> after all these years, and he still can’t live with the fact that the only emotion soobin is capable of feeling towards him is hatred.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “what?” snaps the older male, still standing tall even under the intimidation from the delinquent who has his fingers fisted into his shirt. his gaze strong and unshaken. despite being cornered against the wall in this little corner of nowhere. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “that’s because i’m in love with you!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> there it is, the flicker of surprise in soobin’s gaze under the moonlight that shines upon them. his eyes are drained of anger by this time, but soon the expression turns into a guilty one, and it hurts beomgyu more than knowing soobin’s hatred for him. the fact that his feelings only come as a burden to the other. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “after all this time… still…” </em>
</p><p>“cut!”</p><p>the loud call ringing through the dark alley comes down on beomgyu like a splash of cold water. he watches as soobin’s narrowed eyes round up, instantly filled up by the glaring set lights above them and the flickering night lamps on the street. a smile forming on his lips as beomgyu helps pulling him off the wall, nose scrunching up adorably, that beomgyu’s heart is filled with a lightweight, floaty cotton candy instead of the pile of stones like the one he had when he got into his role. </p><p>“sorry for that,” he cringes as he peels his fingers off soobin’s wrists. “shouldn’t have gripped so hard.”</p><p>“ah, it’s fine. honestly, isn’t it the screenwriter’s fault for making the scene looks so abusive when it didn’t have to? it only works in movies and mangas,” soobin lowers his voice as he leans in close to beomgyu’s ear, making sure only the two of them caught his words. it makes beomgyu break into a fit of laughter, earning him a grin from the elder. </p><p>as the staff come up to them with a pair of blanket, they huddled up into the soft fabric and waddle up to gather round behind the camera, peeking from behind the director’s shoulder to see what has become of the scene they just filmed. </p><p>beomgyu thinks he could do better, but the director has started to gush about the scene, saying something along the line about being amazed they could do this in one take, and how he liked the improvisation. he pries his gaze away from watching the screen only as soobin speaks up. it’s the soft laughter falling from his plush lips that managed to attract his attention all the damn time. </p><p>“honestly, that pause caught me off guard. thought you forgot the line,” it’s directed to him. soobin is talking to him, for sure, since the director is not looking at them anymore, and now it’s just them, huddled up in soft blankets around their shoulders. </p><p>“hey! have some more faith in me, won’t you? when did i ever forget my lines?”</p><p>at this question, soobin stares at him and deadpans. “a lot of times, in the beginning.”</p><p>“not the point!” he chokes, earning yet another a melodious laughter from the latter. his eyes crinkled. </p><p>“anyway, good work today, beomgyu! because of you, we can go home early again tonight. it’s a blessing working with you, honestly.”</p><p>he turns around to go back to his own team afterwards, and only now that beomgyu comes down from the thrill of acting with <em> the </em> choi soobin himself. </p><p>even after a few weeks of shooting this movie, he still can’t wrap himself around the fact that he managed to get picked as the main lead for this upcoming romance-wrapped-in-action movie. at first, he just wanted to branch out from his idol career, trying out an acting role on the silver screen, which would make his name better known among the general public. </p><p>and then he found out that the other main character, aka the love interest of his role, is none other than choi soobin. </p><p>his long time crush in the entertainment industry. </p><p>while it’s something exciting, it also comes as a torture for him at the end of the day where he has to go home as choi beomgyu who is not the love interest of choi soobin. the irrelevant choi beomgyu. </p><p>“i will pick you up in four hours, okay? use the time to pack up and get some sleep. we need to be in the daegu filming site early in the morning,” hoon hyung, his manager, reminds him as he drops him in front of the lobby of his apartment. </p><p>“that’s not so long, why don’t you just stay here?” he frowns.</p><p>“i need to take care of some stuff at the company. please don’t oversleep.”</p><p>waving his hand nonchalantly at the warning, he exits the car and watches as the car drives away before he enters the building and ascends to his floor. he still feels pretty much awake, figuring out that he can just sleep during the drive later on. but seeing that he got four hours to spare, he can just wallow in his sorrow in the darkness of his lonesome apartment room while memorizing his lines for tomorrow’s shooting. </p><p>the plan is thrown out of the window as he walks into a brightly lit apartment room and a lo-fi tune blasted from the speaker attached to a wall.</p><p>“you’re home!” he calls out, toeing his shoes off by the door and running into the place just in time for hueningkai to walk out from the kitchen, almost dropping the bowl of cereals in his hands when beomgyu suddenly throws his arms around him. </p><p>“the shoes are messy,” the younger groans, still holding his bowl away to keep it safe as beomgyu has his arms wrapped tightly around his middle. “and you stink.”</p><p>“shut up, i haven’t seen you for a week. act like you miss me at least!”</p><p>with a sigh, kai brings his hand down to give a pat on beomgyu’s head before curling his arm around the hyung’s shoulder. “welcome home, beomgyu hyung. how long are you staying this time?”</p><p>“four hours.”</p><p>“nice, longer than last time, at least.”</p><p>the only thing that makes the apartment worth coming home to is the presence of his best friend slash roommate. they could’ve got their own places at this point of their careers, but chose to put their extroversion as an excuse of being unable to live alone. and maybe beomgyu just wanted something constant in his life for once. </p><p>throughout the four years in his entertainment career alone, he has gone through multiple changes. changes of manager, trainers, career focus, drama production team, celebrity friends, but the only one who actually sticks around is hueningkai. it’s funny, because they didn’t get along as trainees. but once they stopped trying so hard to debut as idols, it got easier for them to open up to each other. </p><p>“if i knew you’d be travelling so much for work, i’d pick someone else as my roommate,” kai says once beomgyu comes back from packing up his clothes and taking a quick shower. </p><p>the elder scowls at that, picking the damp towel from around his shoulder to give kai a slap on the shoulder with it. “you love me too much to do that.”</p><p>“i’d consider that if you don’t start gushing about soobin hyung,” beomgyu quickly shuts his mouth, knowing that he has too much he wanted to say about his crush, and hueningkai is the only one who knows his obsession with the guy. “okay, maybe just a little.”</p><p>so there goes their small routine again, with beomgyu chomping down his cereals dry while kai listening to him attentively. “…and it’s like, my feelings got all mixed up and confused. it’s hard to act like i hated him.”</p><p>“you’re a good actor, hyung.”</p><p>“i know, that’s how i managed,” he says, earning an apple peeling thrown his way by the younger. “seriously! i got praised a lot.”</p><p>“it’s a little unfair because you got a head start, though, since you’ve always had a crush on him. now you don’t have to act anymore to do the romance scenes.”</p><p>the mention of romance scenes makes beomgyu grimace, glancing at the book of script that kai is currently flipping through. his eyes scanning through the words quickly as if looking for something worthy to tease him about. </p><p>the trip this time is to film the flashback scenes of the main characters’ high school days when they were in love. so there are a lot of flirting and dating scenes, as well as those dripping with sweetness, almost making him blush when he read through it just imagining him and soobin having to act them up. especially the kissing scene. </p><p>up to now, they just had to act like ex-boyfriends who hated each other, and while he should get excited at the thought of kissing choi soobin, he is not ready to face <em> that </em>.</p><p>“yeah, poor soobin having to act like he’s in love with me,” he scoffs, shoving a spoonful of cornflakes into his mouth. </p><p>“it’s not hard to fall in love with you anyway.”</p><p>he makes a confused noise through the mouthful of cereals, arching a brow at the younger who finally lost interest in the book of script, finally turning to look at him with a smile on his face. a smile that never means well based on the experiences he has had since the beginning of their non-friendship. </p><p>“what?” he mouths at the younger, who’s now staring at him with his chin propped on top of his palm. a lazy smile playing on his lips, looking like he’s taunting him that it gives him the right to be alert. </p><p>“if you’re as good as acting as you claimed to be—“</p><p>“i am!”</p><p>“—then it shouldn’t be hard to make up some scenario to get soobin hyung’s number, right?”</p><p>now, that makes him sit stunned on his seat. the mouthful of cereals is swallowed drily past his throat, settling in his stomach that’s suddenly stirring with a nervous wave. just the thought of it already makes him feel like this, he doesn’t even want to imagine doing it for real. </p><p>“how is it, actor choi beomgyu-nim?” kai speaks up again upon not receiving any reaction from the dark haired male. “do you think you can get his number before the end of this trip?”</p><p>“i can get his number easily.” </p><p>as a matter of fact, he could. from day one, he could have just walked up to one of the staff and ask for the guy’s number. he doesn’t know why he hasn’t done it, when he’s usually so forward when it comes to crushing on someone, making sure the other knows of his feelings and pushing for <em> more </em>.</p><p>but with soobin, he has gotten too used to admiring the guy from a distance, that it still doesn’t feel real to be close to him and actually have a chance with him. </p><p>“then what is stopping you?” kai, this brat, knows exactly what is in his mind. he hates how his best friend knows him that well, even down to this embarrassing part of him. </p><p>the challenging tone is what makes him snap. a hand slammed on top of the kitchen counter as his eyes lit up with a newfound determination. “fine. i will get it for sure. what do i get then?”</p><p>“i’ll consider that duet project you were saying the other day.”</p><p>now, that’s just a bonus. not only will beomgyu get soobin’s number, but he will also hear kai’s singing again. and this time, <em> with him </em>. there’s no better challenge than this one. </p><p> </p><p>he just didn’t know that it will bother him that much. </p><p>despite the trip being one week long, beomgyu is already starting to brainstorm his plan for almost the whole ride away from the city. it doesn’t help that he didn’t get a blink of slip the previous night due to catching up with hueningkai. so he fell asleep half an hour before they reach their destination.</p><p>“we’re going straight to the filming site because we’re behind on the schedule. sorry, i will drop your stuff at the hotel room once we get there, since you still have to…”</p><p>he tunes out the rest of his manager’s update about their agenda for the day, only mildly registering that he’s being ushered out of the car into a school building that will be used to film their background story. he’s still in daze for the whole time he’s getting briefed about what’s going on for the day, even as he’s changing into a pair of uniform.</p><p>when beomgyu finally snaps out of his daze, he feels oddly comfortably despite having to sleep sitting down. </p><p>he blinks a few times to wake up some more, eyes coming into focus to catch a few familiar faces walking around the filming site to install the equipment. a sound of flipped papers caught his attention from the side, as his gaze falls into the script book rested on a lap, with slender fingers flipping through the colourfully noted parts on the book. </p><p>that’s when he realized that he’s been using <em> a person </em> as a support for his head. particularly, his shoulder. that must be why it feels so comfortable. the soft cushion under his cheek as well as the scent of fabric softener caught by his nose when he takes a deep breath. </p><p>only to lose it when he tips his head up to look up at the owner of the shoulder, right in time for soobin to notice him stirring, smiling at him as if he is not cramping from being held in one position for so long. </p><p>“i’m sorry!” beomgyu shoots back into sitting straight on his seat, so quickly that a flash of white fills his sight for a few seconds when he sits up straight. </p><p>“it’s fine, beomgyu. you just drooled a little,” says the male, making him slap a hand over his whole face, about to wipe his lips off his face when soobin reaches out to take his wrist, laughing with too much amusement. “just kidding. you looked so tired, i couldn’t wake you up.”</p><p>“we should be practicing our lines,” beomgyu frowns, patting around to grab his script book and flip through it to see which one they will be filming first today.</p><p>“that’s kind of practicing, though. we are now a high school couple. minkyu fell asleep on jun’s shoulder while jun’s being a little nerd, studying everywhere.”</p><p><em> a couple. </em>soobin just called them a couple.</p><p>“won’t minkyu get a good morning kiss from his boyfriend when he wakes up then?” beomgyu can’t help but to throw the playful remark, ignoring the way he’s mentally screaming at himself for the boldness. </p><p>but it makes soobin laugh, landing a light tap on top of his head with the rolled script book in his hand as he gets up from his seat. “maybe once minkyu wipes the drool away from his mouth.”</p><p>beomgyu yelps at that, scurrying away for a mirror to see if he really had a trace of drool on his face. he would hate to sit through a session of nagging from his stylist as she fixes his appearance before the camera starts rolling. but his make up is perfect, and he finds soobin smiling at him innocently when he looks up to glare at the elder. </p><p>“want to grab some breakfast? we can practice this high school thing some more,” soobin says with a sigh, stretching his arms out. </p><p><em> how about giving me your number first before asking me out? </em> </p><p>he could see himself slipping that pick up line to anyone else, seeing how it would be a perfect chance to throw that in. but a look thrown at soobin, and he feels like he’s swallowed a big stone that’s now settling inside his tummy. </p><p>the worries evaporated from his head when soobin turns around to smile at him, beckoning him to follow. </p><p>well, he has one week left of the trip to get his number. there’s no rush. </p><p>now, if he can just get hueningkai’s annoying challenging smile out of his mind and focus on the fact that he is spending time with his crush, he would enjoy this trip better.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> the first time they met, beomgyu was hiding inside a locker from his bullies.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he folded himself so small, hugging his knees while trying to control his harsh breathing as he could hear the sound of footsteps from outside the janitor’s locker. it stank in there, and barely any space left for him since he had stuffed his guitar behind him to protect it. the adrenaline from all the running started to choke him, filling his tears with brimming tears the moment the door creaked open. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> through his blurry sight, he registered the surprised face of the male looking down at him. he looked like the typical student going to this prestigious, pretentious school. all decent looking and self-righteous, stepping on people who did not meet their standards. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu was one of those unlucky people.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “what the hell do you think you are doing?” soobin’s voice came out in a deep, intimidating growl.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> his fist came in a bang with the locker, making beomgyu jump a little. hot droplets of tears rolling down his cheeks from the surprise.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but soobin wasn’t looking at him anymore, he was looking at his side, glaring at someone else in the corridor. beomgyu vaguely heard a muttered apology and footsteps scurrying away, blinked his tears away as he stared up at the other male towering over him now. he flinched when soobin reached his hand out, only to have a single leaf plucked out from his hair.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you don’t belong in dark places.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu was one of those unlucky people. but soobin did not look at him in that way.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>(“you cried for real.”</p><p>“i did <em> not </em>,” beomgyu says defensively, as if he’s not currently dabbing the remnants of his tears away, snapping out of the angry, sorrowful look he had etched on his face when he was so deep into his role. “i have learnt to detach my own feelings with my characters’.”</p><p>he felt a hand cupping his chin, halting whatever he’s doing for a moment so that he’s looking up at soobin, who’s scrutinizing his face closely. staring into soobin’s deep, gentle eyes, he finds himself wanting to cry for a whole different reason. </p><p>“you cried so well.”</p><p>beomgyu chokes at that, prying his face away from the hold. “is that supposed to be a compliment?”</p><p>“it is! you aced such a difficult scene and put me to shame, when i’m supposed to be your senior,” he punctuates it with a soft laugh, petting beomgyu’s hair gently with a warm hand. “where have you been all this time, rookie?”</p><p>his chest is so warm, both from the acknowledgement and the way soobin is treating him so gently, unaware of the way his heart is beating madly inside his chest. he just keeps being the friendly choi soobin who’s inconsiderate of how his feelings keep growing uncontrollably. </p><p>perhaps it would be better if soobin is as much of an asshole as his character in the movie.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> outside of school was the only time beomgyu could truly be himself. a guitar player busking in the middle of busy night street, attracting people not only with his music, but also with the fact that he had a huge bear head covering his face. he couldn’t risk showing his face anymore after the first time he did it, only to be seen by some people from school who ended up bullying him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> for not being as rich as them. for being a son of a criminal. for ‘begging’ on the street.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but money wasn’t what he was after. it was the thrill of bringing his fingers down on the strings and make people hear his sound. it’s the only way he could speak out to the world and be listened.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> that night, once he packed up his guitar and went away, still with the bear head covering his face, he was stopped by a familiar face. it was none other than soobin, who cupped the bear head and tried to peer into the eyes.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “minkyu?” he called out in a whisper.  </em>
</p><p><em> the way his name was voiced out loud made beomgyu jerk out from his nervous stance, filled up with fear right away. </em>it’s not me. please leave me alone. i don’t want you to look at me the way they do.</p><p>
  <em> and really, he should’ve run away, minimizing further chance of soobin discovering the reality of who he was. instead, he stayed stunned there, shaking his head only as soobin made a move to take off the bear head. the other sighed, reaching out for his hand to tug him away from the place. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> soobin didn’t stop until they reached a quieter part of the street. it was a park, dimly lit by street lamps. he made beomgyu sit on the bench before squatting down before him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “this is why they’re targeting you, isn’t it?” he asked, running his hand down his face in a frustrated gesture as he received no answer. only the stance of the other male had changed. beomgyu clutching his guitar case tighter against his chest. “you realized that you don’t deserve this, right? they can’t pick on you just because you play music. why do you have to hide like this?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “common people music, they call it,” he barked out a laugh, muffled by the mask. “they won’t see me this way.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> as soobin stared at him in silence, he quietened down, biting down on his lip again to the point that he could taste his own blood on his tongue. he couldn’t even move when soobin reached out to take the bear head of his head. only registering it later on from the way he felt the cold summer night breeze caressing his face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but i see you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and beomgyu knew that he meant more than that, from the way the pair of eyes were staring at him. it was the first time he felt seen, and not in a bad way. he wanted to be seen by soobin, imprinted to the back of his mind, coming up as a restless thought whenever he couldn’t sleep at night.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it was something impulsive, when he held onto soobin’s cheeks and leaned in for a kiss. their lips meld into a sweet kiss, something that would linger on his lips for the following weeks.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>(at least that should’ve been how it goes, except the supposedly tender connection between them keeps on breaking the moment beomgyu leans in for a kiss. </p><p>on the first take, he is still pretty much into the role, ignoring the way his heart is beating madly inside his chest from the thought that <em> this is it! this is their first kissing scene </em>. and as soon as he lets the real beomgyu thinks as himself, he ruins everything. </p><p>“beomgyu, you’re hesitating. remember that this was something impulsive!”</p><p>soobin smiles empathically at him, but reassuring him as they go for another try on the same scene, only for him to butcher it again. this time because he couldn’t hold back the gasp that escaped his lips when their lips brushed ever so slightly, making him bump his forehead against soobin who hisses and breaks out of his act right away.</p><p>“i’m sorry! i’m sorry!”</p><p>on their third take, he goes in too hard, meshing their lips together in what seems like a too aggressive kiss for the director’s liking. that makes both actors break into bouts of laughter. </p><p>“okay, this one is funny,” soobin admits. eyes twinkling with amusement. </p><p>and the next time beomgyu kisses him, it’s with a smile on his lips, thinking of the male’s sweet smile that he wants to taste from his lips. obviously, that got him another reprimanding session. then the next scene ends up in a mess as well when he bursts out laughing.</p><p>then the next scene.</p><p>and again. </p><p>and again.</p><p>it gets to the point that the director is fed up with him for the first time ever since they started filming for this movie. he calls a twenty minutes cigarette break before disappearing somewhere into the night. the whole filming site is filled with tense air, in contrast to the one filled with laughter because of the failed kisses moments ago. and beomgyu is filled with so much dejection that he ends up giving himself a timeout. </p><p>soobin approaches him when he’s squatting and facing the hedges while picking on his shoelaces. </p><p>“hey, don’t beat yourself up. there’s always a first time to everything,” soobin squats next to him, trying to peek at his face from the shadow. </p><p>it’s true that this is the first time beomgyu has a kissing scene included for his character. the last drama he had him as a second lead character who didn’t get to kiss the lead. and his web drama was too sad in theme to have a kissing scene added into it.</p><p>“it’s the first time i mess up fifteen takes in a row as well,” he mumbles out through his pouted lips. </p><p>there’s a muffled laughter from the male next to him, and beomgyu almost takes offense, already whipping his gaze towards the latter only to catch his gaze at him. it makes his breath caught in his throat. </p><p>“okay turn around and look at me… stop looking at me weirdly, yah, do you want to keep kissing me or something? just do what i say.”</p><p>it ends up with them facing each other, still squatting down by the shadow of the hedges, sheltered from the eyes of the staff around the filming site. it should make a ridiculous image, and beomgyu would’ve laughed the moment he caught soobin’s eyes, if only it’s not for soobin’s words directing him back into minkyu’s headspace.</p><p>“close your eyes,” soobin instructs, earning a weird look from beomgyu, which he returns with a glare. he only starts talking again when beomgyu obliges, eyes fluttering into a close. everything shuts down from around him and he can only focus on soobin’s soft voice. “you’re lee minkyu, and you’ve been feeling constant despair from your harsh days at school, only to come back to a toxic household. guitar is the only thing that matters to you, until you meet the senior who <em> sees </em> you.”</p><p>“everyone can see me. i’m not a ghost.”</p><p>“can you shut up for a bit?” soobin sucks a breath through his teeth in annoyance, making beomgyu’s lips curl up in an amused smile just for getting a chance to be annoying at the latter. </p><p>“okay, go on.”</p><p>“and then you’re alone with him at this park, and for the first time, you’re not afraid of showing your face when you’re holding your guitar. suddenly your music is something beautiful, like it actually matters. like you actually matter in the world, or at least to the pair of eyes staring at you. </p><p>you feel your breath caught in your throat as you look into that senior’s eyes. you’re seventeen years old, but you are ready to give your heart to one person for the rest of your life.”</p><p>there’s a dragging silence at the end of the sentence. beomgyu stays quiet just like he would, listening to the sound of their breathing in the silent corner of their hiding space. but it eventually gets too long and his legs start to cramp and he finally gives in to the urge to crack his eyes open. </p><p>that’s when he emotions are rushing in. </p><p>he is not choi beomgyu anymore, but the young lee minkyu who is staring at his first love. soobin’s eyes are staring at him, looking right through him, and he’s never felt so <em> seen </em> before. like he actually matters. </p><p>it’s not his fault that he gets carried away, eyelashes fluttering gently as he leans in to close the distance between them. it’s not as impulsive as written in the script; but more tender and slow, letting him take his time to feel all the emotions and letting it spread to every inch of his body. </p><p>they are close enough now, and he can feel soobin’s breath against his lips. just a tilt of head and a push, and they would be kissing. </p><p>soobin blinks, and the connection is broken. </p><p>“that was so good,” he breathes out. “the desperation and pure <em> wants </em>. i almost felt like you actually wanted me.”</p><p>beomgyu laughs it off, trying not to sound so awkward as he pulls away and gets up from his position. his legs are already cramping from being folded in that position for a while. and he silently thanks himself for picking this dark location, so that the latter can’t see the way his face must be flushed with how warm his cheeks are right now. </p><p>later on, as he is alone again with no cameras in sight, in the confinement of the five stars hotel rented to him. he can still feel his heart thumping at the thought of kissing choi soobin. sure, he’s always had a crush on the actor, but it’s the day he realizes that it might be more than that. </p><p>he realizes he might actually be in love with soobin.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> the kiss is a catalyst to the best part of beomgyu’s high school life. it’s the first time his impulsive act actually grants him something great.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he doesn’t have to hide anymore because soobin is with him, and suddenly he is not an outlier in this school full of students moulded into one type. he belongs to them just as much as he belongs to soobin. even at the cost of leaving his guitar at home in order to fit in.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but it’s okay, because he gets to experience other things. holding hands under the cafeteria’s table, subtle touches of reminding each other that they are around, soobin’s hands slipping into the pockets of his jackets playfully as they chat against the lockers. the high school is their little stage amidst the huge world that they are refusing to face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> and that’s the only reason why beomgyu is so blind to everything; especially to the fact that this happiness he is feeling is numbered.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> eventually they number of days will reach its limit, and soobin won’t be able to save him from the reality anymore.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it’s ironic, since a few years later, beomgyu will be the one who’s trying to save soobin’s life.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>(“i’m sure you keep messing up this one scene just because you want to eat more of the fruit sando,” beomgyu deadpans as he watches the elder peel open another package of the said sandwich. this time it has orange pieces in the middle of the thick cream. </p><p>soobin makes a confused noise, offering the dessert at the latter who already gets sick of it after the fifth take. </p><p>“how is such a simple scene ended up with so many takes?” he complains again, only for it to ends up with a gasp as soobin tips the sandwich closer to his face and dabs a dollop of cream onto the tip of his nose. </p><p>he goes cross eyed trying to see the stain on his nose, only for soobin to break into laughter, cupping his face with a big palm and brushing the cream away with his thumb. “that’s what you get for being noisy,” he says, before withdrawing his hand to lick at his thumb.</p><p>the whole thing makes beomgyu gape on his seat, lips parting and closing without any ability to vocalize any word. most likely because his brain has been rendered useless, the ability to think is taken away from him as soobin smiles at him. </p><p>he only snaps out of it at the sound of slate, making him jerk up on his seat. </p><p>“okay, we can use that one!” the director calls out. </p><p>“huh, we were already filming?” he blinks a few times, staring at the elder who has already halfway through the sandwich. </p><p>“yep, the director said that we can just say and do anything since these are scenes that will be included in soundless flashbacks, so i just let you do that,” soobin says, shrugging a shoulder and only mildly interested when he sees beomgyu’s confused face. </p><p>“but… but i barely did anything…”</p><p>when beomgyu opens his mouth to complain again, soobin stuffs the rest of his whipped cream stuffed bread into his open mouth. his eyes crinkled into a smile. “must be good being a natural actor, huh?”</p><p>it almost makes him choke on a piece of orange that goes down his throat. especially at the implication that it’s natural for him to get into the character of lee minkyu who is very much in love with soobin’s character.</p><p>if only he knows how natural it feels for him to act like he is in love with soobin.)</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> just like every other fairy tale, this one also comes with an end. except it was not a happy ending that beomgyu had to face.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he had been lulled into a false hope of a happy ending with every minute he spent smiling in the vicinity of soobin’s company, unaware of what had been waiting for him at the end of this. at the end of soobin’s high school life. it would have been a happy occasion, except beomgyu was also considered as a part of that high school life.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “thank you for everything, but i think it’s time for us to end things.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you’re not serious…” beomgyu said when the news comes crashing down on him, but soobin was not smiling like any other time he would tell a joke. he couldn’t recognize this soobin. “why would you say that? you’re acting like our relationship came with an expiration date.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “it did, though. it’s high school. who even built a serious relationship as a high schooler?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but—“ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> there was a flash of realization in soobin’s face, which turns into a guilty one. it made beomgyu feel sick in the stomach. “this is what i feared, min. you always invested yourself as a whole into something. and that’s why you gets hurt.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but you won’t… you won’t hurt me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i’m sorry, i like you a lot, but it’s time i get serious about my future,” soobin said, and it broke his heart that the male was still so gentle even when he was breaking beomgyu’s heart into pieces. he even had the audacity to pet his hair and ruffle it, and then smiling like they were deciding what to get for lunch instead of the end of their relationship that apparently meant nothing to the elder. “i hope you find something more beneficial to invest on, min. i wish only the best for you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> there was a moment of silence, and he didn’t recognize his own voice when he spoke again. “can you kiss me for the last time?” his voice trembled as he said that, but he tried to smile, trying to make it seem like it was not a big deal. “it’s just that, i can’t remember the last time i kissed you. if i had known…” he trailed off. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> soobin stepped forward and tipped his chin up with his curled fingers. and then he felt the pair of plush lips pressed against his own.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> that was when he knew that it was final. that there was no trace of feelings left for soobin. it was so easy for him to get rid of what they had between them, as if turning off a tap. the kiss was cold and devoid of any warmth he associated with soobin’s existence in his life.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “goodbye, minkyu,” he said once he pulled away. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but beomgyu was not listening to him anymore, only staring down at the faded paint on the basketball ground as soobin took his hand away. and then his footsteps started to walk away from him. every one of them took away a piece of his heart.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he was left alone again. this time with only half his heart left.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>(beomgyu stays in daze by the time the director calls a cut. </p><p>it’s a difficult scene to film, with how much they rely on expression to make it work for an action centered movie that adopted some young romance into it. he has to make himself look as broken as possible, and that only works after a few times of going through the heartbreak of being left by soobin’s character.</p><p>“are you alright?” soobin is the one who reaches out to him, bending himself on the knees to peer up at beomgyu’s face that’s still lowered. “you’re not crying, right?”</p><p>he forces himself to break out of his daze, shoving soobin on his shoulder. “shut up. i’m just trying to remind myself that it’s not <em> me </em> who’s being dumped.”</p><p>“ah it happens sometimes. i’m just glad i’m not the one who’s being hurt this time.”</p><p>“shut up. you’ve had a fair share of being a second lead. was famous for it too.”</p><p>“hey!” soobin fakes a scandalized gasp. “stalker. you watched my whole filmography. now i feel naked.”</p><p>the elder can be such a class clown at times, that beomgyu can’t help but to burst out in laughter, shaken off his solemn mood from the previous scene at once. his eyes see the world in bright colours again now, especially as he sees soobin smiles, accomplished for making him laugh. </p><p>that’s the thing about choi soobin. he always wants to make people smile and laugh. </p><p>“i still hate your character, though. what kind of ass.”</p><p>“the writer just needed an excuse to make them ex-boyfriends, but yeah, i’m just glad it’s not cheating at least.”</p><p>“still an ass,” beomgyu mumbles. </p><p>soobin smiles, throwing his arm around beomgyu’s shoulder to drag him away from being straight in the spotlight of the glaring sun. </p><p>“that’s right, keep the hatred going since we still have to film some scenes where you hate me once we get back in seoul.”</p><p>he really doesn’t want to get reminded of that. it’s one thing to act in love, but acting like he hates soobin when he isn’t would be a little challenging, and he’s not excited to face it. but they still have a few hours to their stay in this city before they have to go tomorrow morning. </p><p>maybe he is still allowed to keep the feeling of being in love for a little longer.)</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>the last few hours of their free time in daegu is late into the night, and after days of packed schedules, beomgyu feels too restless to sleep. </p><p>he’s not sure if the knock in his door is a blessing or a curse, because he should really be resting. he has a meeting with a producer for his new digital single right after they get back in seoul, but for some reasons he finds himself walking down the night street with his co-actor. </p><p>it’s a little concerning at first since he’s a mixture of almost breaking into an anxious yell or excited bounce. but soobin is not the same person he is under the glaring set lighting and rolling camera. nor is he the same person beomgyu has been admiring for inspiring his acting career. the soobin who is walking next to him now is the warm and clumsy choi soobin only selected few people are lucky enough to know, and beomgyu is gaining the privilege only today.</p><p>“isn’t this your hometown? you should know some recommended places!”</p><p>beomgyu grimaces at that. “i usually just stay home and eat my mom’s home cooked food.”</p><p>“should we go to your house and meet your parents?” the suggestion makes beomgyu’s breath caught in his throat, about to send him into a fit of coughs which is saved when soobin laughs it off. “kidding, maybe next time.”</p><p>next time. there is a <em> next time </em>. as if they are not just here because of work and they are a couple of friends who can come again anytime they want. or a couple.</p><p>the latter thought has him blushing, turning his gaze away just in time as soobin looks at him. “let’s try all the food then.”</p><p>the rest of the night is spent buying several small servings of various food from the food stalls. it’s one of beomgyu’s favourite things to explore a night street food market, listening to the buzzing of crowd around him and smelling the various scents of food that changes with every step he takes. he just didn’t think someone like soobin would enjoy it this much. </p><p>even a little too much, judging from several portions of food he has taken charge to finish when beomgyu refused to eat more of it. </p><p>“you’re such a picky eater.”</p><p>“i tried!” beomgyu says defensively, already forgetting that he’s supposed to be shy around his; now feeling competitive instead. “i’ll pick the next one then.”</p><p>“it’s just tteokbokki. i’ve had countless of these,” soobin complains when he thrusts the cup of rice cakes coated in red sauce, but he shuts up when beomgyu demandingly shoves it into his hand. </p><p>he ends up in tears after finishing his mouthful, claiming that he’s not the strongest when it comes to spicy food. finally something beomgyu is better at, and takes pleasure in as he watches soobin’s teary eyes and red swollen lips. he only stops crying after gulping down a box of strawberry milk.</p><p>when they decided that they have had enough to eat, it’s already past midnight, and barely anyone left on the street and the path that leads back to their hotel. his body should be demanding to hit the bed by this time, but he is wide awake. his heart too content and his excitement can’t be bottled inside the vessel of his body. </p><p>perhaps that’s why he gives in to the impulse that makes him lean in and press a kiss to soobin’s cheek the moment they are about to part. it causes soobin’s hand to halt from where he is about to unlock the door with his key card, but before beomgyu can feel guilty or anxious about it, the dimpled smile comes back to his visage. </p><p>“thank you for tonight,” he says.”</p><p>“good night, beomgyu.”</p><p>the door is unlocked, and any time now, soobin would disappear behind the door, breaking the illusion of a perfect night they had. when they go back to seoul, they would be back as a pair of co-actors who only looks at each other under the camera lenses. and that’s when he remembers the source of his worries from the beginning of the trip. </p><p>“soobin-ssi,” he calls out.</p><p>“hyung.”</p><p>“huh?”</p><p>“you can call me hyung,” soobin says. and he is really not making it easier for beomgyu to stay there, smiling like that and making beomgyu want to kiss him. making beomgyu think that he has a right to kiss him just because he didn’t mind it <em> once </em>. </p><p>“we kissed sixteen times,” he says, earning an amused look from the latter that makes him want to dig a hole and bury himself forever. but the key to doing this is to be confident, so he cocks his head to a side, a playful smile plastered over his lips. “don’t you think it’s time for you to give me your number?”</p><p>there’s a beat of silence after the request before it appears to click in soobin’s head. </p><p>“are you hitting on me, beomgyu?”</p><p>he screams internally, only managing not to show it by making use of his years of acting lessons. he keeps his confident act just enough time for soobin to type his number into beomgyu’s phone (saving himself as ‘my pretty hyung’), then bids him goodnight for real. he is not even registering the rest of his walk towards his own room, only aware when he is in the confinement of his own space and he screams into his pillow.</p><p>it’s a perfect end of a trip where he is allowed to fall in love with choi soobin. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>“<em> my pretty hyung! </em>” is the first thing beomgyu shouted as he gets back in his apartment in seoul, making a grand entrance as he kicks the door into kai’s bedroom open before smothering the sleeping guy with his own blanket. “soobin hyung named himself that on my phone!”</p><p>he didn’t get any sleep for the rest of the night after his little late night snack escapade with soobin. the excitement was buzzing too intensely in his system that it’s hard for him to shut down his nerves and fall asleep. it results in a very bouncy hyung bothering his sleepy roommate so early in the morning as soon as he gets back. </p><p>“beomgyu, you only have twenty minutes to wash up and change!” hoon’s voice calls out to him from outside the room, reminding him that he has limited time before he has to go to work again. </p><p>but then kai is stirring beneath him, mumbling his incoherent complaints that only makes beomgyu smiles some more. “did you hear me? i completed your challenge!”</p><p>the younger blinks sleepily at him, looking half curious and half annoyed, like he’s considering if he misses the elder or wants to strangle him for waking him up so early. but in the end, a smile tugs his lips seeing how excited beomgyu looks. his hand coming up to pet beomgyu’s messy hair. </p><p>“so you got his number.”</p><p>“i did! you know how what it means?”</p><p>“one step closer to marrying choi soobin?” he suggests randomly, and beomgyu screams so loud it makes his ears ache. but it’s worth the pain, since the moment his sight clears up from sleep, he’s greeted by a flustered hyung. </p><p>and a pinch on his waist that stings a little, but he can ignore that for today only. </p><p>“the duet! now you can’t get away from it, kai-ya!” beomgyu points at his face, making him go cross eyed for a second as he focuses on the tip of his finger. “i’ll send you a copy of my schedule so you’ll know when we can finally work on it.”</p><p>beomgyu looks excited for a whole different reason now, as if he is not shining this brightly just because he got his crush’s number. it makes a small hope bloom in kai’s chest, which is quickly diminished as he blinks once again, the fantasy is crushed when beomgyu’s manager peeks into the bedroom just to yell at the actor again. </p><p>and then beomgyu has to leave again. shadows under his eyes, but smiling brighter than he has ever done for the past few weeks under the stress from adapting to his new role. </p><p>if that’s what it takes to make beomgyu happy, kai would be happy to push him towards his long-time crush, or even start making music again. it’s not beomgyu’s fault that the two things kai hates to see makes him smile the brightest.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> it’s pathetic, that the first time beomgyu heard about his ex-boyfriend after a few years triggered a familiar ache in his chest. you would think that it would be easy for him to forget some high school fling. some puppy love that no one takes seriously.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but your first love leaves the biggest mark in your heart, and especially so when the said first love broke his heart and took away all the pieces when he left.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> after soobin graduated, high school turned back into its mundane and pretentious state for beomgyu. he couldn’t stand it in the end, dropping out because that naïve little teenager version of him thought he would be able to survive the harsh world just by carrying his guitar on his back. it was not a surprise that he fell into the wrong kind of crowd. they were all nice people with a questionable choice of careers, anything to keep themselves off the street and early graves.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> his world and soobin’s were separated by a big, deep chasm. seoul is a big city and there was only very small possibility of them ever meeting again.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> except they did anyway, because fate was a cruel thing and beomgyu was not allowed the privilege of enjoying the small happiness he had started to gain from his new ‘family’. because their paths ended up intermingled again when one of beomgyu’s friends got caught up in a drug cartel business that involved some household names from both politician and entertainment sides.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it was just his luck that soobin was the person in charge to prosecute the case, which in turn put a big target on his face.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he certainly wasn’t thinking clearly when he followed his friend out to his mission of ‘taking out the big guy before he could take him out first’, and the guitar he initially used to make money by busking around hongdae the first few months of his stay in seoul turned into a weapon he used to betray the person who took him in.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it was as he saw minho cornering soobin on the parking lot of his apartment that he crept behind him to smash his guitar against the guy’s head, sending him sprawled on the ground while soobin stared at him with big eyes void of recognition. it hurt. but his coping mechanism was to laugh it off as he took soobin’s hand to drag him to run away.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> a broken guitar in a hand and soobin’s hand in the other.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“no i’m going to cry,” beomgyu sits stubbornly on the dirty floor of the parking lot. he’s been hugging the guitar all night while watching soobin film the first part of the scene with minho’s actor. it finally comes to the part where beomgyu will barge in with the guitar and smash the guy’s head with it. </p><p>except behind the screen, the guitar is supposed to be smashed onto the ground and not the actor’s head. it’s supposed to be broken before he films the second part of the scene.</p><p>it’s the same guitar as the one he used throughout the filming in daegu, too. and he knows that his character must be more attached to the instrument if he is this sad over breaking a guitar that he only had the chance to use for a week. </p><p>“you’re going to get a new one later, though.”</p><p>a pout forms on beomgyu’s lips as he tilts his head back to catch soobin towering before him. “still. i don’t see the need to randomly break a music instrument. what kind of disrespect…”</p><p>“i guess it’s to symbolize the ending of the past minkyu and jun,” the actor says, lowering himself into a squat and hugging on his knees as he stares at beomgyu who is still clinging onto the guitar. “the first day it all started was with this guitar between them, so it ends that way too. the second part of the story will start when you get the new guitar.”</p><p>“so… near the end of the movie.”</p><p>“because it’s only at the end of the movie that minkyu truly forgives him, right? or at least hate him for another reason.”</p><p>“you sound like you know what the writers are thinking…” he mumbles, partly to hide his amazement.</p><p>most of times, actors like them don’t really pay attention to the details of the story aside for the ones affecting the way they have to act. but soobin always appears to have something to say about the story, whether it is to diss the parts he finds annoying or to share the ones he finds interesting. it’s admirable, but perhaps it’s just because beomgyu likes to listen to what soobin has to say. </p><p>“well, i’ve always wanted to be a screenwriter. learning!”</p><p>“oh?” he arches a brow at the new information. </p><p>ever since they started texting and meeting more frequently, he starts seeing soobin less of the crush he’s always seen on his phone screen. he’s now something more <em> real </em>, pieced up with the new things he shared to beomgyu. and beomgyu finds out that he might like this version of soobin not many people know even better than before. </p><p>“do you want to break the guitar?” </p><p>yeah. even this part of him that keeps coming up with the craziest idea beomgyu would never had come up with. </p><p>“<em> me? </em>” he almost shrieks. “are you insane?”</p><p>“technically, your character is the one who’s breaking it, right? he smacked the guitar against the dude’s head.”</p><p>“i’m a musician!”</p><p>“so is minkyu!” he counters, but the look on his face is more of an amused one compared to beomgyu’s scandalized expression. “maybe it will help you get in character more. the guitar symbolizes the feelings you have for me, and today you are using it to break your bond with your family to save my life. and you will hate me for it.”</p><p>“i’m so going to hate <em> you </em> for making me do this.”</p><p>“do i need to remind you that minkyu ends up falling in love all over a—“</p><p>beomgyu interrupts him with a scream, which makes him break in bouts of laughter. he stomps his feet just to drown the sound of soobin’s too-happy laughter as he gets up and calls out to the staff in charge of the props, asking whether he’s allowed to be the one smashing the guitar like what he’s suggested to do. </p><p>the staff doesn’t seem to care about it, so beomgyu drags the guitar back to the center of the filming site again. “okay shut up for now while i’m playing this guitar one more time before i have to end its life.”</p><p>“beomgyu, guitar is not alive,” soobin says, only to make a zipping gesture across his lips when he received a glare form the younger. </p><p>positioning the guitar over his lap, he positions his fingers and starts plucking the strings to produce a gentle melody of one of his favourite songs. he only planned to hum the song as a companion for the tune, but soobin’s deep voice is suddenly singing the lyrics for him, and he almost made an embarrassment of himself when his fingers falter on the strings.</p><p>he has implied that soobin wouldn’t know how he felt of breaking the guitar because he’s not a musician, only for him to have this low voice that’s better than some musicians beomgyu heard before. </p><p>at this point, he is starting to hate how every single thing soobin does makes his heart ache. </p><p>count on soobin to be the one cruel enough to make him break a guitar, but also patiently pay a last tribute to the guitar with him. </p><p> </p><p>he does tear up a little after he slams the guitar repeatedly to the ground, only stopping once the prop staff approved on how it looks. </p><p>they continued the filming right away, making use of the raw feelings beomgyu is still feeling from the adrenaline rush. it’s also the adrenaline rush he is feeling as his character when he watches minho falls over to the floor and he steps over him to grab soobin’s hand, dragging him away from the place.</p><p>he only lets go of the guitar once the director calls it a day on their filming, forlornly stares at him before letting the staff takes care of discarding it. </p><p>they are still talking about it later in the night as beomgyu is texting him again, head on his pillow and his fingers typing the message. soobin thinks that he is emotionally sensitive for getting attached to something like a guitar, but beomgyu thinks that he is actually sad for his character. </p><p>how he broke his guitar for someone who broke his heart.</p><p>soobin is right when he told him that he would understand and feel his character better. he just doesn’t want to feel like this ever when it comes to his real feeling for choi soobin. because if it makes his heart ache this much as an actor who plays the character, it might kill him if it’s real. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>he only realizes that his life revolves around the movie and his character when his manager comes bearing a bad news at his only free slot of the day, bringing down an additional burden to his already exhausting week. </p><p>“they want you to record an original soundtrack for the movie,” it’s exciting at first, coming up as a fresh air for beomgyu who already perks up at the possibility to showcase his musician side better to the public, only to leave his heart sink when hoon continues. “so we sent in the demo you submitted for the duet.”</p><p>“does it have to be that one?” he frowns.</p><p>“they want it to be a duet after hearing you play with soobin-ssi last time.”</p><p>“oh?”</p><p>“so one of the soundtracks will be one that’s sung by the two main characters.”</p><p>“<em> oh </em>?”</p><p>the spark of excitement makes its way back into his heart, especially at the thought of hearing more of soobin’s gentle voice. moreover, the guy will be singing the song he wrote, <em> with </em> him.</p><p> </p><p>meeting soobin outside of filming, when he has no obligation to be the asshole character of jun is a whole new experience. for once, beomgyu doesn’t feel conflicted about mixing his feelings of his innocent, admiration crush and the bittersweet one his character has for soobin’s. </p><p>it’s as he watches soobin standing inside the recording booth, nervously pulling on the sleeves of his cardigan and trying to look confident when he’s singing that he can purely feel the affection he has for his co-actor once again ever since they started with the filming. soobin is nothing like his character.</p><p>and it only grows by the end of the recording session, when soobin corners him near the vending machine of the company building when beomgyu is about to get his drink. </p><p>“do you think i did well on the song? it was my first time singing something for an official release,” he says, clearly conveying the anxiety he has drawn all over his face ever since they started recording. </p><p>he only stops pulling on his sleeve when beomgyu caught his arm, rolling back his sleeve, and caught his hand in a warm hold. </p><p>“would it make you relax a little knowing that i wrote the song?”</p><p>“i think i might just bury a hole and sleep forever inside it,” he says through his smile, though with the panic still clear in his eyes. </p><p>it makes beomgyu burst into a laughter. “god, relax a little! you’re doing so well, honestly, i didn’t expect it to come out so well. but thanks to you, the song gets to see the light of the day.”</p><p>the anxious look is replaced by a flustered one as soobin brings his hands up to cover his face. but there’s relief clear in his face when he thanks beomgyu before he goes back inside for another recording session. the parts he records after the little encouragement sounds even better. </p><p>this is the first time soobin ever shows any kind of vulnerability to him, as he usually acts as the confident one, helping beomgyu through his mini breakdown and to adapt into his character better even when he’s under no obligation to do that. and beomgyu only lies a little when he said all that. </p><p>if he had to be honest, he would tell soobin that he shines when he’s singing, making the song his own even when it was not originally written for him. </p><p>it just makes him eager to write a thousand more songs for him to sing. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> soobin ended up being the one who seek for beomgyu after their second first meeting.  </em>
</p><p><em> he looked anxious, but beomgyu didn’t question it, knowing that he had the right to feel all kind of negative feelings especially since he just barely escaped an attack. he just didn’t think that soobin would be this shameless to make a request to </em> him <em> . as if he didn’t break him that day he left beomgyu many years ago, like he was supposed to forget it all because hey, it’s always a good thing to help people in need, right? </em></p><p>
  <em> “i want you to hand in as much information as you know about those people,” he said.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it took one, two, three minutes for beomgyu to proceed it, before he broke into laughter. the sound rang through the small pub so loudly, especially since there was not many people around. “and you think i would betray my family for you?” he asked, a derisive edge on his smile.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you did that when you saved me the other day,” soobin said. “and you would do it again.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu didn’t answer then, fists clenched tightly as he resisted the urge to scream at the latter, especially knowing that the one who he should be angry at was himself. because he knew that he would do it again given being placed in a same position. as much as he hated soobin, he wouldn’t think twice to save his life.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> just the way soobin saved his that day he took the bear head off his face. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but this time, there is no trace of warmth. only coldness in the pair of formerly gentle yes, staring right at him.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“i hate my character, i really do. this is why i can never relate to him,” beomgyu zones out, lying down on the resting room with soobin next to him, busy typing something on his phone. they are sharing a pair airpods, with slow jams playing from beomgyu’s playlist into their ears. their scripts on their hands as they are reviewing the scene they are going to film in a few hours.</p><p>soobin blinks his eyes open, apparently just about to doze off when his attention is being grabbed. “and i thought he’s the nice one between ours?”</p><p>“he is! but he is also the stupid one.”</p><p>“which is suitable for you.”</p><p>for that comment alone, beomgyu scrolls through his phone to switch the song into the rough draft of the song they did the other day. a smile instantly grows on his face when soobin breaks into a low whine, knowing that the male is still embarrassed hearing his own voice. beomgyu doesn’t understand that when he has a very soft, calming voice that makes his heat race upon a first listen.</p><p>or maybe that’s just beomgyu.</p><p>“it’s hard acting as someone so stupid. how can you hate and love someone at the same time?” he muses aloud, as he likes to do whenever he is trying to figure out the essence of the character he has to act as. recently, soobin is the unlucky one to be the one who has to listen to him this time. “how can you fall in love again with someone who broke your heart and stepped all over the pieces?”</p><p>“at this rate, we’re going to kiss fifteen more times when we’re filming our next kissing scene.”</p><p>“i got better at that!” he says defensively.</p><p>“okay, eight times at least,” soobin counters, only to break into laughter upon receiving a glare from the other male who is already sitting up now, feigning a stance like he’s about to pounce on the taller and attack him. “you realized that you could play him better last time when you let yourself feel what he felt, right?”</p><p>that stopped beomgyu from carrying out his intention to at least put the guy in a headlock. instead, he sit there with his lips pouted. “so, you want me to hate you.”</p><p>“if that’s what it takes. my character is an asshole, so it shouldn’t be so hard to do.”</p><p>“that much, i can do. but how am i supposed to be in love with that character then?” </p><p>it takes a moment for soobin to think that he thought the actor is going to come up with some plausible answer. the expectation is diminished when he speaks again. “i guess you’ll have to fall in love with the real me instead. there’s no other way.” and it’s replaced by the surge of heat going up to his head, not stopping to colour his face in the shade of red, just straight to his head and making him dizzy for a second.</p><p>soobin has the audacity to break out from his pensive expression and laugh. “just kidding.”</p><p>it takes everything for beomgyu to sit there with a straight face. “thanks for that, it won’t be so hard anymore to hate you on screen.”</p><p>“hey!” the hint of laughter is still in soobin’s voice when he gets up to leave their little resting nest.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “you just proved those people right, that you’d be this kind of person out of high school.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “what?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “those people who bullied you. i thought you wanted to prove them wrong.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “there is no place for someone like me in your life. you made that clear when you left me.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “that’s it what i hate about you the most. that you depend on people to know your worth. that you need someone like me to validate your worth,” soobin just keeps going, unaware that each of his word pierces deep into beomgyu’s heart, as if he still had enough surface for the elder to break. “but at least you’re useful for something now. you can give me information on your shitty choice of friends.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you’re so sure that i will do it for you like i’m still the same stupid boy who followed you around back then.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you will.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> there is a short pause before beomgyu tips his chin up in a smug manner.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “damn right, i will. but not without a price.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> a sneer forms on soobin’s face. and it really doesn’t suit his gentle features. he hates it. “okay. how much?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> his eyes are looking right into soobin’s for the first time that night.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “fall in love with me again.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“you’re weirdly suitable to play this annoying snob role even with this kind of face,” beomgyu says after the director let them watch the replay of the short scene they just filmed. it’s another one of the few arguments scripted for them, which required a lot of tensed face muscles and memorizing ability. </p><p>“did it help you to hate me more with each retake?” replies the latter, already back to being all smiley. </p><p>“a little,” he mumbles, still ashamed that he got called out by the directors for his lack of emotions in their first few tries. such a simple scene should have been a piece of cake for a supposedly professional actor like him, except that it’s still hard for him to develop any kind of hatred for soobin and his character. </p><p>“hey, don’t worry about it, okay?” soobin suddenly leans in, as if he’s aware of the negative thoughts cumulating inside his head. “i messed up my lines too, so it’s not just you.</p><p>that makes beomgyu smile. “you did. and i thought you’re like a pro at memorizing lines since you’ve been doing this forever.”</p><p>“in my defense, this is the first time i play this kind of arrogant character, so i have to focus on that part of the acting and everything just went <em> poof! </em>”</p><p>“excuses.”</p><p>soobin rolls his eyes, but doesn’t appear to take it to heart. he throws his arm around beomgyu, dragging him towards a food truck that the younger didn’t notice earlier. but the food truck got a big photo of beomgyu displayed on the banner, making him blink a few times in confusion before it clicks in his head. </p><p>“someone sent me a food truck!” he says excitedly, peering into the menu to see what’s prepared for them. </p><p>when he turns around, he has a churro trapped between his teeth. it must be an awful view, especially added with the surprise of soobin’s phone camera pointing at him, taking a piture of him making a mess of himself. a confused noise escapes his occupied cheek.</p><p>“keepsake! so i know what makes you this happy,” soobin says, and beomgyu’s heart skipped a bit for the implication alone. that soobin wants to make him happy. “for your next project, i’ll send you a food truck just like this one, but the pictures should be more on a funny side.”</p><p>“you don’t have enough funny pictures of me,” he deadpans, slowly losing his conviction upon seeing how soobin’s grin is getting more on a playful side. “choi soobin, seriously!”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “send these proof to my office, but under the name of my partner,” soobin slid the envelope back towards bemgyu. no hint of a care on his face towards what beomgyu had to do to obtain these ‘proofs’, probably not even aware of the bruise and cuts all over beomgyu’s face.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he had betrayed his family. now he just had to count down until the day they finally realized that the little useless boy they picked from the street out of pity was the one who leaked all the proofs that would be enough to put them in jail.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “cowards,” he mumbled to himself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “what was that?”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> at the sharp question, beomgyu brought his gaze up to glare at the elder, just before he adopted the same kind of derisive sneer in his face like the one soobin always had up whenever he wanted to mock him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “cowards. hiding behind your partner just because you got attacked once.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> the way soobin’s eyes darkened made his chest soared with triumph. finally he became the first one who got under soobin’s skin and set his anger off.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “once is already too many times. i can’t risk my life just to put you kids in jail.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu took the envelope back, keeping it hidden under his leather jacket now that he was in charge of delivering it to the post office. “i’m not sending it unless you pay the price.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “what price… oh,” he stops, gears clicking into place in his head. “you really meant it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “yeah, scared?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> before he knew it, beomgyu felt his back pressed against the wall of this pub, making him grunt because this was not what he asked for. not the way soobin’s fingers were pressed to his cheeks as he cupped beomgyu’s cheek, nor the way his lips pressed against his in a cold and harsh contact. this was not what he remembered from all the memories. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> no matter what he asked, it seemed impossible for them to go back to what they used to be. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> a soft sob climbed up his chest at the thought, and that wasn’t enough for soobin to break the kiss, until beomgyu bit down on the plush lower lip. the elder pulled away quickly, hissed at the bloody sting from the cut on his lip, and stared at beomgyu with wide eyes. but his anger dissipated the moment he saw the way beomgyu looked at him. eyes filled with unshed tears of anger.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i knew it’s impossible for you to come back to the way you were before, i don’t know what i was expecting” beomgyu said, brushing his sleeve over his eyes to get rid of the tears before they could spill. “it’s whatever. i’ll do what you want. this is what you do when you are in love anyway.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “what am i doing?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “ you hurt people.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“place your bet,” soobin says out of the blue, still getting rid of the fake blood and cut make up on his lower lip as they make their way quickly down the street towards their next filming site. “that one scene is going to be romanticized as heck.”</p><p>beomgyu shrugged. “i guess people are into lovehate relationship in action movies?”</p><p>“still, if they’re going to highlight the romance aspect, at least get it right,” he says, sucking a breath through his teeth in obvious irritation. and that only makes the younger smile, knowing that he’s about to break into another ranting session that he could only share with beomgyu, especially concerning his dislike about some parts of the movie since he doesn’t want to offend the screenwriter. “like, jun had no business being this rude when he could just be manipulative, getting what he wants for that small price. after all, we all know that he doesn’t actually hate minkyu. the rough kissing is just a fanservice, not supporting the story line at all.”</p><p>“maybe he does that because he knows that he’s leaving in the end. make it easier for minkyu to move on.”</p><p>“well, if i knew i were going to leave, i would make the most of our time together.”</p><p>beomgyu blinks a few times, trying to decide whether soobin is still talking about their characters, about the matter in general, or about <em> them </em>. the last one is a wishful thinking that appears solely because soobin is looking straight at him when he says that. but it makes a small hope bloom from within his chest, growing up and up, and bursting through the filter of his mouth that he forgot to think before speaking. </p><p>“if you hate the story so much, why did you want to take this role?” he arches a brow in question.</p><p>“i don’t hate it! the actions and general theme is good, but the romance aspect? i just feel like i can write it better.”</p><p>that makes beomgyu scoff. “if you’re that good, maybe you should show me your version of it.”</p><p> </p><p>and really, he did not know what he expected when he challenged the elder, but for some reasons he finds himself inside one of the vans. soobin’s warm hands are cupping his cheeks so tenderly, accompanied with the touch of soobin’s lips brushing gently against his own. too little yet too much for beomgyu to take, since his senses are all heightened, but he can barely hear anything past the loud beating of his heart against his chest.</p><p>until soobin speaks again in a soft whisper. “that’s what i would do if it were me.”</p><p>“that would be too mean. i would fall all over again for you like the dumbass i am.”</p><p>“you’d fall for me either way.”</p><p>it’s a light teasing. a part of their usual playful exchange. but beomgyu is too deep in his emotions and wishful thinking to realize what’s coming out of his mouth. again. </p><p>“i would fall in love with you,” he confirms, solemn eyes finding soobin’s surprised one. “what would you do then?”</p><p>what he didn’t expect is for soobin to lean in for another kiss. a firmer one this time. instantly he knows that they are not re-enacting their characters anymore. soobin has broken free of his movie self, and now he is just the actor soobin who is kissing his co-actor at the back seat of his manager’s car. </p><p>it’s dangerous, how they let their real selves get infused into this, but beomgyu is tugging onto soobin’s shirt to keep him close, and the elder complies. at that moment everything else fades away and beomgyu is not the actor beomgyu who is anxious to have this movie bring him up to the peak of his career. </p><p>he is just the beomgyu who is in love with choi soobin.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>“and he just bit off the ice cream like… what kind of normal people bite ice cream? a psychopath?” </p><p>beomgyu snaps off a bread stick with his teeth after saying that, as if he’s re-enacting the little story he is telling. in front of him, kai is sipping a frappuccino, barely aware of what he’s talking about aside from the fact that everything has been about choi soobin since they entered this café. </p><p>“on a second thought, you’re pretty weird too,” the elder suddenly looks at him, eyeing his drink that looks more like a dessert than an actual drink. “who would even drink a banana chocolate unicorn frappe with extra whipped cream and boba? that sounds gross.”</p><p>“it’s actually very nice!” he says defensively. </p><p>“i feel like you’d get along with soobin hyung if you two ever met.”</p><p>“it does feel like i’ve known him for a long time already, since he’s all you talked about these days.”</p><p>that makes beomgyu’s smile drop, face contorted into a frowning one instead. “i did not talk about him that much.”</p><p>“actually, even before you got the role, you were already gushing about how—“</p><p>“okay, okay, point has been made!” he shrieks softly, just enough to make him stop but not alert the other customers of the commotion. it makes kai smile in triumph, especially seeing the dejected pout on the other’s lips. “sorry, i guess i got a little too obsessed,” he says softly. </p><p>“i got used to it already, so it’s fine. but i thought you wanted to talk about something today? is it about the song?”</p><p>they used to upload song covers and some snippets of rejected songs once they stopped being idol trainees, enjoying the freedom of art better that way. it’s been years ever since they planned to do one again, so it does excite kai a little, despite being adamant on not wanting to sing again when beomgyu was practically begging him to do a duet with him. </p><p>he still has the rough demo the hyung recorded for him a few months ago, saying that he wrote the song thinking about kai. and now that he’s actually listening with the prospect of singing the song together with beomgyu, it became more precious. </p><p>“ah, about the song, actually…” now, that doesn’t sound good. “the company took the song.”</p><p>maybe he really did have his expectations brought so high for someone who keeps denying beomgyu’s request. now that it’s too late, he doesn’t have any rights to be disappointed about it. </p><p>“i knew the song is too good to be released as a free soundcloud song. yay hyung!” kai waves his fists to encourage. it appears to give a little relief to the other male, since beomgyu is back to smiling again, probably itching to tell him. and when he wants to talk about something, choi beomgyu is not one to be stopped.</p><p>“they changed the lyrics and everything, made it into the soundtrack for the movie, so i got to sing it with soobin hyung and…”</p><p>kai has learned to sit there and listen nicely when beomgyu is talking about his crush, so he does just that, nibbling on a bread stick while tuning out what beomgyu is talking about, only focusing on the way his whole face brightens and his eyes twinkle with excitement just like any other time he is talking about choi soobin. </p><p>the only good thing about beomgyu having a crush on choi soobin is that kai got to see him this happy when talking about the actor.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “so you’re suddenly being really nice to me, what happened?” beomgyu had saved the question until the last moment of their ‘date’, as he was being walked back to his apartment, holding a case of brand new guitar.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he thought that it would just last for a bit and then soobin would be back to his real self, but it was already late, and soobin was still being all gentle with him, playing with his hair and kissing his forehead and beomgyu didn’t know if he loved or hated it, knowing that there was no way soobin could turn one hundred and eighty degree within a few nights.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i just thought that i could be nice for one night,” the elder said, averting his gaze as if he was shy. “since this might be the last time we see each other.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “the case went through, huh? but your partner must be the one getting all the recognition for finishing the case, not you. so why would you reward me?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i just want them to get arrested,” soobin said. “and i was wrong about you. i thought you would bail, wouldn’t give them away since they’re your friends, but here you are.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “that’s so awful of me, huh? betraying my family like this.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “they are killers and drug dealers.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu shut his eyes tightly. “i know. it’s just that—“ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you’re better than this. better than this version of you who would settle with them.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “is that why you hate me so much? were you testing me, to see if i would become a better guy, and that’s why you’re nice to me now? you broke up with me because you didn’t think i could be decent?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> his breathing started to get ragged now, all the painful memories resurged into his head just in time to destroy the perfect night he just spent with the latter. the tears he shed in that empty parking lot when soobin dumped him just like that, those nights he woke up unable to breathe after dreaming of soobin, all the pain that had accumulated for years. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it would be selfish of soobin if he expected beomgyu to let go of them all just because of a night of being treated nicely. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> except he had never hated soobin, nor did he ever stopped being in love with him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “minkyu,” soobin said, distracting him from all the bad thoughts so that he could only focus on the warm hand cupping his cheek. “stop thinking.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> it was unfair that he still wanted soobin even after all these years of pain, and it was so easy for the elder to fool him just by looking into his eyes with the gentle pair of his, making him believe that soobin actually felt the same.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu knew that he was in for another round of heartbreak, and he plunged straight into the chasm.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“beomgyu-ssi, you’re really the best at filming romance scenes, huh?” the director comments after they wrapped up the scene. it makes the actor  blink a few times, about to glow in pride from the compliment until he realized the teasing edge in the statement. </p><p>“i’m good with any scenes, though!” he says defensively.</p><p>“i still remember how you messed up so badly that first time we shot the kissing scene, but you did it so well, now!” one of the cameramen chimes in. he can feel his cheeks flush at the reminder despite how it felt like years ago.</p><p>“but now we only have to do constant retakes for when you had to act hateful. good thing we don’t have many of those left.”</p><p>“i guess it’d be kind of hard to act like you hate soobin-ssi, huh? seeing how close you two are.”</p><p>more people start to join the discussion, so beomgyu screams his way out of the circle, acting like he has an urgent business to attend in the bathroom. he sighs in relief once the attention is taken away from him, entering the makeshift changing room assigned in this building just to sink down into a squat and hide his face onto his knees. </p><p>that was so close. someone else might start spreading rumors that he was in love with choi soobin. </p><p>“you’re totally in love with me.”</p><p>he just didn’t expect that it would be choi soobin himself. the male is mirroring his position, squatting right before him, so that the moment beomgyu lifted his head, he is greeted by a dimpled smile. he isn’t sure whether it’s the smile or the statement that made him choke, coughing breathlessly as he looks away from the actor. </p><p>“your head will start growing bigger and you’ll have to live in this room forever,” he mumbles.</p><p>“that’s the only explanation!” soobin says with a laughter following his words. “unless you start liking my character more, but it doesn’t sound likely seeing how both of us hate him.”</p><p>“jun is pretty good today. at least he had the audacity to ask minkyu out on that date. it was a nice date.”</p><p>“yeah, the last date before he—“</p><p>“shh! don’t spoil the story line to me.”</p><p>soobin rolls his eyes at that. it’s not something he hides, the way he is disapproving of beomgyu’s way of not wanting to be spoiled of the ending before he had to film it. so until now, he doesn’t know what will happen in the end, aside from the fact that soobin’s character will leave him again. it’s just a way to keep the authenticity of his character’s reaction when he films it, he reasoned. </p><p>“fine, be prepared to be surprised, then. we’re going to shoot it next week,” he smiles, reaching out to give a pat on beomgyu’s hair. </p><p>it’s always so comforting when he does it, lulling beomgyu into a too-comfortable headspace that he ends up blurting whatever in his mind. </p><p>“so… it’s almost the end, right?”</p><p>“yes?”</p><p>“we’re not going to see each other much after this.”</p><p>“well, we still have to when they finished the production and then when the movie starts playing in the cinema and—“</p><p>“would you go on a date with me?” beomgyu blurts out, cutting off whatever soobin had to say before he lost the confidence. even now, his heart is beating so hard against his ribcages, threatening to jump up to his throat. he didn’t know it would be so nerve-wrecking asking someone out, especially someone who has kissed you a lot of times.</p><p>it gives even more tension that soobin is not responding right away. “like hanging out? sure, i think we will have that after party after the end of the filming. actors only!”</p><p>“no! a date!” beomgyu frowns, wondering if he hadn’t phrased it clearly enough. “just like how our characters went on a date before the end of whatever it is, can we have just one date, like they did? except it doesn’t have to be the last one,” he just keeps going now, not feeling an ounce of embarrassment anymore since the frustration takes over his nerves.</p><p>and he sees it in soobin’s eyes as the idea clicks into his brain. followed by something he dreaded to see.</p><p>the guilt. </p><p>“oh? i didn’t think you would actually… with me?”</p><p>has he misread the sign? is soobin that good of an actor that beomgyu thought all the affections and gentle touches were all for him and not just for his characters? had he misread that kiss in the car, mistaken the emotions building between them as something soobin genuinely felt for him and not just for the sake of practicing their scenes?</p><p>all these thoughts diminished any kind of nervous beating of his heart and excitement. he feels his chest deflate, filled with an empty laughter instead, as his lips spread into a smile that feels foreign on his lips.</p><p>“ah, i’m being stupid, what’s new?” he laughs, pushing himself up and almost stumbled from the way his legs have fallen asleep from squatting for too long. soobin caught him just in time before he could fall on the floor, but the touch stings. </p><p>not where soobin’s fingers are making contact around his wrist. the sting is in his eyes, and he really doesn’t want soobin to stay here when he breaks. </p><p>“beomgyu—“</p><p>“it’s fine, hyung. it’s not like i wanted it that much anyway,” he laughs awkwardly, not meeting the elder’s eyes as he wriggles his wrists out of the grip. “all those kisses must have gotten into my head. i’m a rookie, after all.”</p><p>right. for a professional actor like soobin, those kisses would have meant nothing. he’s had hundred takes of those that he wouldn’t remember the way beomgyu’s lips taste, unlike how beomgyu thinks about it in his daydreams.</p><p>“hey, choi beomgyu, i—“</p><p>“can you leave me for a second? i need to change for real,” he asks. and he knows that soobin obliges just because of the way beomgyu’s voice sounds like it’s about to break anytime soon. except, it doesn’t get easier even without the actor’s presence in the room. the mirror in front of him just makes him feel even more stupid, his reflection staring down at him, mocking his pathetic self for expecting soobin to feel the same way.</p><p>soobin is a professional actor. it’s just a rookie mistake for beomgyu to fall for the guy in reality.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “i just saved you, why are you so mad?” there he was again, soobin with his proud self, following beomgyu like the male owed him the world after what he just did. he just happened to be around when beomgyu was about to get caught while following minho’s little lackeys, caught him on the wrist and led him to burst through some doors he didn’t know would take him away from the building. for some reasons, he always showed up when things were about to go bad and not when it’s going smoothly. way to make beomgyu look bad. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “who made me do this in the first place?” he finally snapped just right before the door leading to the exit, wriggling his hand out of the grip. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you’re working for me!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “now i’m starting to really regret it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “so you’d rather see me dead than see your friends pay for the crimes they did.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “hell yes, i would—“ </em>
</p><p>
  <em> right after he spewed the words, he felt a grip on the back of his shirt, pulling him backwards until he felt his back pressed against soobin’s chest. he felt a hand slapped over his lips, making him swallow back the urge to shout more.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he understood why when he heard the sound of running footsteps passing them on the other side of the door. thankfully, those people didn’t seem to know this access point of the building, so beomgyu let himself breath slowly through the gap of soobin’s fingers that ended up covering both his mouth and nose. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he could only breathe again when the sound of footsteps subsided and the hand was moved away from his mouth. but the warmth never left his back. it provided a sense of comfort, something that reminded him of home. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you didn’t mean that,” soobin said after a moment of silence that engulfed them </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “sadly.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“you’re getting better at these bickering scenes,” the director says in disbelief as soon as they wrapped up the scene. “was it because of our teasing? we weren’t realy serious, you know? but it’s really… really good. i’m appalled.”</p><p>“thank you,” beomgyu offers a grin before he turns away just as he spots soobin opening his mouth to talk to him.</p><p>it’s another one of his futile attempt of avoiding his co-actor, and it has started ever since he came into the filming site today. he just isn’t sure if it was satisfaction or guilt he felt whenever he acted like he couldn’t hear the question directed to him or pretended to catch some sleep before filming just so he didn’t have to rehearsal his lines with the latter this time. </p><p>and it is futile because no matter how much he wants to go away, he still ended up in the same place as soobin with how they shared both dressing and resting rooms.</p><p>the guy wasn’t helping either. he decided to pull the same thing as what his character accomplished in the scene they just filmed. when beomgyu was ready to bite down into his sandwich, he found himself getting dragged through the corridor full of filming staff and into the quietness of the emergency staircase. his back pressed against the wall and soobin’s frown was the only thing he could focus on. </p><p>he made it look like he was so bothered about it. as if the fact that beomgyu wasn’t talking to him actually bothered him that much.</p><p>“i thought we agreed that this position only works in movies and mangas?” he deadpans.</p><p>his voice seems to snap soobin out his trance-like moment. his grips around beomgyu’s wrists loosened, leaving faint red lines that slowly fade away when he draws his hands to his chest, rubbing on the limbs to distract himself from the way the other is looking at him. </p><p>“i’m sorry.”</p><p>“it’s fine, it doesn’t hurt much—“</p><p>“no, i’m sorry,” soobin says sternly, tapping on his shoulder to gain beomgyu’s attention and bring their eyes to lock together. now that beomgyu is looking at the pair of eyes, it’s clear that soobin is bothered and confused, and he can’t stand looking at them right now. he knows that he will give in the moment he’s drowning inside them again. “i don’t know what i did, but i pissed you off, and i don’t like it when you’re not talking to me.”</p><p>so he noticed, but he’s too dense to notice that beomgyu has been pining for him ever since they started filming this movie, and that he was trying to ask the guy out. </p><p>it makes him shake with laughter, the realization. but not one that reaches his eyes. “if you don’t have any clue or don’t think that you did anything wrong then just,” he sways both his hands to sign towards the door. “go on with life?”</p><p>“how could i, when you’re avoiding me?” </p><p>“why does it matter to you?”</p><p>“you’re not even looking into my eyes when we’re not on camera!”</p><p>at this, beomgyu snaps his head up, looking straight into soobin’s eyes with his sharp, piercing gaze that seems to be a surprise for the latter as well, enough to make the firmness in his expression falter as he takes a step back. </p><p>“again, why do you care?”</p><p>there’s no answer, so beomgyu takes the first step away from this suffocating exchange. his sandwich tastes bitter when he bites into it and he could only blame the guy for that. </p><p>it does make him feel empty, that soobin is not making any attempt to talk to him anymore after he made his annoyance clear as daylight. </p><p>as if their story has ended here even before their movie did.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>[text: my pretty hyung]</p><p>
  <em> you said these scenes are hard to act because you found it hard to hate me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> does it get easier now? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>beomgyu stares at the text bubbles floating on his screen. the light from the phone is illuminating his face as the source of light in the completely dark room. he stares at it unblinking until the screen goes off, unable to find the answer in his head. </p><p>perhaps it’d be better for him if it was that easy to hate choi soobin.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> i hope you’re only doing this for the movie. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> i miss talking to you. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>he shuts his eyes after reading the text bubbles that show up on his lockscreen, heaving a deep breath in hope to soothe the ache that’s blooming in his chest. he already gets used to feeling the pain whenever he has to see the look in soobin’s eyes when he ignores the guy.</p><p>that’s a small price to pay in order to save his heart from being broken.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>it’s at the day of filming the last scene that beomgyu has finally had enough of it. </p><p>days of avoiding choi soobin to the point of being questioned by the staff and other actors in the filming site (“and i thought we could use the mains being b-f-f as a publication material!”, “you used to not want to eat with anyone else other than your movie boyfriend”, “you’re talking to me <em> now </em>? after ignoring me constantly for soobin?”), and his resolution is broken down after the whole night of practicing his scene.</p><p>if it hadn’t materialized enough in his head when he learnt his script, it definitely feels real the moment his car is driven into the filming site.</p><p>“this is sick. they can’t do this.”</p><p>yeonjun, who plays as soobin’s partner in the prosecutor office as well as the one who complains to him for being ignored, gives him a look when he walks in with that comment. </p><p>“it’s actually pretty smart, don’t you think?” he says with a grin, waving his roll of script. “would’ve been better if your character ended up with mine instead.”</p><p>he opts to ignore the last comment for the guy is notorious for flirting with everyone, with that handsome smile of his. it’s also the first time he doesn’t get to have a whole discussion of how the plot could be written better. if only he could talk to soobin…</p><p>he could, actually. since the guy is staring at him from across the room, avoiding his eyes just in time as he lifts his gaze. but no, he doesn’t have enough mental capacity for this. not when he is still in daze seeing the fucked up ending of the movie that he has to materialize into acting in an hour. </p><p>who the hell writes a story about ex-boyfriends meeting and falling in love all over again, only for it to be an illusion in the end?</p><p> </p><p>(<em> it was the day after the prosecution office submitted the files to the court, which follows the arrest of the rest of most people that shared a house with beomgyu. it should be a good day, with a sunny weather and green trees and the voice of children laughing in the park. except it ended up being a gloomy day with black suits, solemn face, and bouquets of flowers arranged nicely around a casket. </em></p><p>
  <em> “he was okay… no way… seokwang-ssi, what the hell happened?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> the guy frowned, pushing his specs up his nose bridge as he set his gaze pensively at beomgyu who stood by the entrance of the funeral house. as if by not entering the room, he could also avoid making what presented before him a mere fantasy of his.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> that the smiling face in the picture presented in front of the casket was not the same smiling face of the guy who smiled at him just the night before.  </em>
</p><p><em> “he was totally not okay,” yeonjun said. “he had been in coma ever since that attack in the parking lot. isn’t that why you gave your friends away?” </em>)</p><p> </p><p>“can we film this in one take, if it’s possible, please?” beomgyu practically begs the director before the filming start, and he should be lucky that the older man has a soft spot for him ever since they met during the audition for the role, because there’s no way an actor could push his authority like this. “i just feel like it will capture my emotions better that way, to feel like i’m really in it.”</p><p>“it is indeed an emotional scene, and it would be hard to potray the expression i have in mind…”</p><p>“please? i promise to deliver what you pictured into reality! haven’t i showed you enough so far?”</p><p>the director rubs his chin in thought, “well, maybe if no characters messed up and i have everything i need captured, we could arrange that… we have to re-arrange some stuff though, hm…”</p><p>beomgyu breaks into the first smile he’s had ever since he stepped into the filming site today, he gives a quick grateful bow at the director before making a little run out of the room to get his makeup done. his short moment of glee is interrupted as he almost bumped onto soobin on the doorway. </p><p>right, he’d be there too, although it’s just for a few seconds. </p><p>“good luck for today,” soobin says softly, just enough for the two of them to hear.</p><p>beomgyu only answers with a quick nod, prying his gaze away from the taller male to resume his way out of the room. it makes his heart ache to look at the guy’s face, and he hopes that it will help him act better.</p><p> </p><p>(<em> no matter how much beomgyu told himself that it was a lie, waiting for the picture on the casket to change from soobin’s face into someone else’s, everything was real. the cries of his parents were real, so was the coldness of the shot glass in his hand, as he had been holding onto it for what felt like hours. he sat there at the table with faces he didn’t know, as a friend of someone who took the deceased’s life.  </em></p><p>
  <em> so he didn’t save him when he swung his guitar at minho. soobin was already attacked, and he failed to save the guy.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> who knows how much of their moments together after they met again was a fantasy. if not all.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> maybe he saw soobin dead on the floor of the parking lot, and the lovesick teenager part of his brain made up all those meetings. those plotting that led him into betraying his friends and sending information to soobin’s partner.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but it felt so real to just be an illusion. the verbal fights they had, the warmth of soobin’s body against his own, the taste of his lips from their kisses.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> even now, as he saw soobin again despite knowing that he was dead. he still looked real and solid, that beomgyu couldn’t help but to rise up and chase after him. he ignored the judging look from the people around him as the shot glass clattered down to the floor when he staggered up on his feet. his legs numbed from sitting down too long in that room. but there was no mistaking that it was soobin he saw by the doorway.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> because soobin was looking at him with that sad look in his eyes, the one he had when he kissed beomgyu for the last time in their last date. and soobin was leaving. there’s no way he could just let the elder leave. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he stumbled out of the funeral room, not even bothering to put on his shoes as he raced down the corridor. there were several people around, but he could only see at soobin’s back leaving him. and then he did crash down onto the floor, right as the corridor ended. no one else in sight, only him and the view of soobin’s back.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you’re not dead, are you?” he asked shakily, not daring to lift his gaze in case it would make the guy vanish. “please tell me it’s all just a scheme. a plan to lure more criminals out. please!” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but there was no answer. no cocky scoff or annoying rebuttal soobin would throw at him every time he would yell at the elder. the silence was so loud, even louder than the sobs that were starting to climb up his throat, making it hard for him to gulp down oxygen. it was so suffocating that he might be having a heart attack right now.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> the only answer he had was a cold palm pressed to his cheek, bringing his gaze up to have a last look at soobin’s face. and then it disappeared the moment he blinked.  </em>
</p><p><em> soobin was gone forever. </em>)</p><p> </p><p>the director kept his promise to let him try to do a one take, and beomgyu is not sure if he is grateful for it, or that he is starting to regret it. </p><p>the last scene had him staring at the camera with a void gaze filled with unshed tears, and soobin’s ghost would dissipate from the reflection in his eyes. at least that’s what he’s told would happen. but he stays there even as the director calls the cut, the tears rolling down his cheeks without him having to blink them out of his eyes. </p><p>and when he starts, he just can’t stop. </p><p>“hey, are you seriously still acting right now? it’s getting concerning,” it’s taehyun who throws in the comment this time, stopping by to check his makeup in case they need to retake some scenes, and was taken aback when he sees that there’s no saving the said makeup. “good thing it’s a wrap already.”</p><p>“of course it’s a wrap, are you underestimating my skill?” he says between his sobs. his fists coming up to brush his tears away angrily. </p><p>he doesn’t know why it feels so heart wrenching. does it have to do with how he constantly connected himself with his character to act some scenes better? he wouldn’t have done it had he known the movie would have this kind of ending. </p><p>“you’re going to choke,” taehyun’s voice softens as he hands in a pack of tissue, which he ignores as he still prefers to cry into the sleeves of his long-sleeved shirts instead. “ah… please don’t get the makeup on your shirt, ah it’s there already… do you want me to call someone? boyfriend comfort? soobin, hey!”</p><p>“<em> don’t!” </em></p><p>the frustration he feels for the guy trying to crack a joke whilst also summoning the source of his chest pain makes him break into full-on crying mode, that taehyun ends up awkwardly dabs his tears away with the tissues he ignored. he feels bad for the guy, he really does. but he brought it upon himself. </p><p>he doesn’t know how long it has been since he stayed there on the floor, but then he feels a gentle presence coming to him, wrapping him in a warm hug and rocking him gently. the whispered words don’t really make sense, brushing his earlobe like a sweet nothing carried by spring breeze. he presses his face into a soft fabric of the person’s shirt</p><p><em> “not your outfit too… soobin-ssi!” </em> he vaguely hears taehyun’s claim from behind him, but he doesn’t care anymore. </p><p>when he lifts his gaze, he mildly registers soobin’s concerned look, before he cups his face in his palms and leans in to press his lips against the pair of plush ones. in this moment, there’s only the two of them, no constant chattering from around them, no direction shouted at the other staff to move, no surprised gasp from a stylist that accidentally had to watch the scene unfold. </p><p>in this moment, there is only a soobin and a beomgyu, and they are not their characters who had to meet their tragic endings.</p><p>“it’s so tiring, trying to hate you,” he says once they part, the words caressing soobin’s lips. </p><p>and he hopes that he wasn’t imagining it when he feels soobin kissing him back. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>the filming for the movie has come very close to the end, and there are only some individual scenes left for beomgyu to film. while it brings relief to him for he can have a little breather in the middle of his usually packed schedule, it also means less time of seeing choi soobin. </p><p>it just dawns on him that he doesn’t really know the guy outside of the filming site. even as they texted, they mainly talked about the scenes they had to film the next day, or some references that reminded them of what happened in the filming sites. </p><p>so that might be why it didn’t come as much of a heartbreak when beomgyu saw the news. </p><p>it spread all over the tabloid’s covers and trending topics on news sites, as well as social media. there is no avoiding it especially for people like beomgyu who has his phone glued to his hand most of time. he probably should feel devastated, or even angry. but ever since he spots the familiar name on the headline of the news, it just feels like he’s seen it coming. </p><p>
  <em> ‘choi soobin &lt;3 park namjoo’ – #1 rating drama couple into #1 nation couple?  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> confirmed by both sides: “they’ve been seeing each other for a few months after the filming ended” “found chemistry in the middle of filming” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> ‘last heartstring’ final episode! following the dating news of choi soobin &lt;3 park namjoo </em>
</p><p>“oh, you’re reading them too,” taehyun chimes in when he spots the news headline displayed on beomgyu’s phone. it snaps the actor out of his small daze, realizing that he’s been staring blankly at it without actually registering the words typed in bold. “everyone kinda saw it coming, seeing that they had so much chemistry.”</p><p>“i didn’t see it coming.”</p><p>the stylist stares at him with his mouth pressed together, probably realizing that he’s being insensitive especially seeing how he witnessed how pathetic beomgyu was just the other day when he cried and kissed soobin after shooting the ending scene of the movie. but he can’t blame taehyun, not when everyone has loved the couple since the drama started airing. before they even met to start filming the movie. </p><p>“taehyun-ssi,” he speaks again, turning off the display of his screen so he won’t have to look at the news again. “does this make me the evil third person?”</p><p>“you’re really—“taehyun stares at him with his eyes wide. </p><p>“nevermind.”</p><p>now he’s just being shameless, practically announcing that he’s actually hoping for something to happen between soobin and him, and that the kisses they shared are not just some practice rounds for the scenes. more than feeling heartbroken, he just feels stupid that he didn’t see it coming. </p><p>soobin was not clueless about his advances. he just didn’t see beomgyu in the way he hoped. </p><p>when he starts beating himself up mentally, he feels a pat on top of his hair that makes him forget everything. he peers up at the hand, then at taehyun’s blank face staring down at him. </p><p>“you didn’t know.”</p><p>“i didn’t.”</p><p>“then it’s not your fault,” taehyun says, ruffling his perfectly styled hair gently. “it’s hard not to mistake your feeling as something real when you have to convince everyone else that it’s real.”</p><p>beomgyu shuts his eyes briefly, letting himself enjoy the comfort provided to him at least for a bit. he does need someone to tell him that it’s not real, that way he can finally start fooling himself. he hopes it’d be easy to fool himself when he’s known all along that it’s real, that he’s had these feelings even before his character did for soobin’s character.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>after the ending of the movie filming, beomgyu starts thinking less about his co-actor. </p><p>it gets easier to <em> not feel </em> when he is swamped by other schedules. there are the matters of his digital single release, and then some auditions for the roles he’s aiming for in upcoming dramas. one story is finished, and he has to be someone else. that’s life as an actor. he has to get better at it in order to be so unaffected like soobin. </p><p>a professional actor. </p><p>“you’re home again today,” his roommate seems to be the one who’s affected the most by his change of schedules. despite being busy, he gets to sleep in his own bed these days. </p><p>“don’t act like you’re so disappointed when you’re going to be sad again the moment i get one of these contracts.”</p><p>kai smiles at the statement, not bothering to counter it as he flips through the printed papers scattered on the coffee table while beomgyu is busy practicing the lines he’s supposed to act out during the future auditions. he picks one up, scans through the line, then tosses it onto beomgyu’s lap. </p><p>“please get this one. it suits you the most.”</p><p>sparing a glance at the paper to see which one kai refers to, beomgyu cracks a smug smile at the other. “i guess i do well playing some rich guy, huh? i do have that vibe.”</p><p>“the role is for this spoiled rich brat who can’t protect himself—“</p><p>“what are you trying to say?” beomgyu growls playfully before launching himself at the taller male just as he sits down on the sofa. </p><p>they end up engaging in a wrestling match, with beomgyu giving him a loose headlock, and kai rolling them off the sofa to hit the floor, making the actor yelp as his leg smacks against the table. they call for a stalemate after that short moment of childish wrestling, staying on the carpeted floor with their limbs hanging loosely off each other. </p><p>“hyung, are you okay?” it’s kai who starts speaking again.</p><p>“why wouldn’t i be?”</p><p>“i don’t know. you just haven’t been fully <em> there </em> ever since the filming wrapped up.”</p><p>that makes beomgyu laugh, recalling the traumatizing ending scene that he had to film. because of that one scene alone, he vowed to kill his habit of enjoying the surprise by reading his script a day before he has to film it. he has to prepare his heart for another kind of shitty ending like the one for that movie. </p><p>“it was a ride,” he admits. “but if i’m the one who’s watching it, i’d think it’s a good plot twist for the movie. i would walk out of the cinema feeling content about what i paid for.”</p><p>but that’s not what kai tries to gauge from him. and beomgyu knows it the moment he turns his head to catch the younger staring at him pensively, making him grimace. </p><p>“you stopped talking about choi soobin.”</p><p>“i did.”</p><p>“that never happened. even before you knew him, you talked about him a lot.”</p><p>“well, maybe knowing him changed everything,” he averts his eyes, still feeling kai staring at him intently even as he shuts them. “i had to deal with having a crush on him as an actor i admire, then having my character in love with him just made me all confused.”</p><p>“are you in love with him?”</p><p>there’s a moment of silence filled with their soft breathings before beomgyu could find his words again. he has never said it out loud, not even to himself. because if he acknowledged it then it will be real. it won’t remain as a <em> what if </em> anymore. </p><p>“even if i had, there’s nothing like that anymore,” he finally says, steering his way around it. “why do you care, kai-ya? it’s just your hyung being an…”</p><p>“i just need to know if it’s finally appropriate for me to start making a move on you, hyung.”</p><p>there’s a dragging silence after he says that, and the only thing he can hear is the sound of his heart beating madly against his chest, since this is the first time he has ever been so forward when it comes to his feelings for his best friend. but he should’ve noticed that beomgyu has trailed off in the middle of his sentence, which means that he was falling asleep, and as kai directs his eyes at the elder, he’s greeted by beomgyu’s peaceful sleeping face.</p><p>it appears that both of them are so unfortunate when it comes to picking the right timing. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>just like how fictional characters cease to exist after a story ends, their relationship is put into a halt by the end of filming. no more late night texting or discussions about plot holes. no more sneaking out from hotel rooms to find snacks in the middle of the night. </p><p>no more soobin and beomgyu.</p><p>the next time they see each other again is at the premiere of the new movie, and beomgyu feels too jittery to care about how to face his ex co-actor who came to the event with his girlfriend. a little too jittery, apparently, that he mistakes the signs of fever as his excitement. </p><p>“no date today, choi beomgyu?” the familiar voice rips his attention away from the rows of champagne glasses provided at the event space. it’s just typical for yeonjun to find him on the first few moments since he steps away from the red carpet into the venue, reminding him of his lonesomeness. </p><p>“my plus one is taehyun since he wanted to come, who’s yours?”</p><p>“a friend who you ditched, apparently,” he signs towards the refreshment area where a tall male in blue shirt could be seen picking through the snacks to be brought into the theatre. it’s none other than hueningkai, who he remembers sulking when he left the room earlier today. </p><p>so that’s what he forgot. </p><p>“oh crap. he’s going to give me an earful,” beomgyu hisses under his breath, covering his face with a hand as if that could conceal him from the said guy. “i’ll just go inside first, bye!” he thrusts his champagne glass into yeonjun’s hand before hastily finding his way out of the waiting room.</p><p>“oi!”</p><p>he can only breathe in relief the moment he steps into the still empty cinema, taking his designated spot in the middle of the vast room. only once he doesn’t have to keep the smile on his face and the friendly façade that he feels the exhaustion bleeding into his system, nailing him down into this comfortable chair. even on his way out from the waiting area, he had to greet and chat with some staff and the director himself. it doesn’t feel this exhausting usually, socializing and putting up a friendly face. </p><p>there’s no telling how long he stayed there on his own, until he opens his eyes to the flicker of the big screen ahead of him. </p><p>“someone’s finally up,” he recognizes the smile in that voice before the owner of the voice himself. </p><p>“soobin-ssi,” he mumbles, pulling himself up from the slouching position once he caught soobin sitting next to him. of course he will be there. the main characters always sit together. “it’s been a while.”</p><p>“yeah, you’ve been busy, huh? i bet you’ll get more offers after everyone sees how amazing of an actor you are.”</p><p>“keep feeding my ego and i won’t be able to carry my big head out of this place,” he says, coaxing that pretty laugh from the latter. only as his gaze actually clears up that he spots the other people in the room. most of the seats are occupied already since the movie is about to start, but not the one next to soobin. “where’s your date?”</p><p>“she has something else to attend to.”</p><p>“but it’s the premiere of your movie,” he frowns.</p><p>“it’s fine, i already felt bad that she had to be there for some photos—“</p><p>the cinema suddenly darkens, signing that the movie is about to start. beomgyu exhales a breath of relief as he directs his attention back to the front, thankful that he doesn’t have to engage in that suffocating awkwardness anymore. talking to choi soobin used to be as easy as breathing. what went wrong?</p><p> </p><p>watching his own acting on the screen is never an enjoyable experience for beomgyu, as he just keeps thinking of ways to improve himself and keeping a hawk eye to see if there’s a noticeable mistake. a slip of expression or an unclear pronunciation. the only enjoyable thing is to watch soobin in the big screen, since he has always admired the actor even before they started working together and his feelings complicate the things between them. soobin is a really good actor, making him pale in comparison, yet when their characters are together it sparks something in his chest. an ache that comes with the thought of what ifs. </p><p>it’s only nearing the ending that he loosens up a little, caught up in the way this story unwraps since they didn’t film the scenes chronologically. </p><p>the ending. that fucked up ending, is even more fucked up on screen. </p><p>the ending scene of this movie is when beomgyu’s character looks into the camera for a long moment. dry eyes slowly filling with tears, just as flashes of memories show up on the screen. the soundless scenes of their happy days in high school. their last date as adults. the promise of something <em> more </em>. </p><p>it makes him tear up again, despite already having his tears dried up back when he filmed it. but he hears sniffles from the seat next to him just as the ending credits roll up. </p><p>he’s still in daze over what appears to be the best story he has ever materialized into acting, that the moment he turns to see tears in soobin’s face, he can’t stop himself from reaching out to cup the actor’s face in his hands. his thumbs brushing a fresh tear away from its track down soobin’s cheek.</p><p>“that was fucked up, right? the ending?” he laughs.</p><p>“beomgyu—“</p><p>“but you made the movie amazing. i’m so <em> so </em> happy that i got to work with you, choi soobin! did you see how—“</p><p>“beomgyu!” soobin is calling his name again, louder this time that it snaps him out of the moment of exhilaration. he blinks a few times, letting his hands get taken down from soobin’s face. that must have crossed the line. </p><p>“i’m sorry.”</p><p>“no, what the hell, you’re burning up!”</p><p>he stays stunned there with soobin’s fingers still wrapped around his wrists. he mildly registers the concerned questions from some people around them. there should be praises and congratulations instead of this. but all he could see is concern, even from taehyun, who is already getting up from his seat. is he worried that he’s going throw up all over his suit? it must be an expensive one rented for this event alone.</p><p>“i’m okay! see?” he snatches his hands away and gets up onto his feet, only to have the whole room spinning on him, turning into blurry images and shapes that he can’t comprehend. </p><p>he’s ready to be welcomed by a cold floor, or maybe a hard thud of his head hitting the separator between the chairs. but the last thing he remembers is a pair of arms catching him before he could fall.</p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> he is lying down on the back seat of a car. his back feels discomfort from hard seat digging onto it, but he feels his head being propped up onto someone’s lap. it must be a fever dream, when he wakes up to soobin’s face looking down at him, still filled with concern.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you shouldn’t be here,” he says, blinking drowsily. “there’s the banquet… ah, i shouldn’t be here either.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> he gets pushed to lie back down at the first attempt to move, eliciting a deep whine from his throat as his best defense.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “it’s fine, your manager is coming to send you home soon. you can skip this one.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> the decisive tone in soobin’s face leaves no room for argument, so beomgyu just stays still, his eyes blankly stares at the ceiling of the car. “we looked like we hated each other in the movie.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> soobin laughs. “we sure did.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but we looked like we were in love too,” he breathes out, shifting his gaze to meet soobin’s, and watching as the amusement in the pair of eyes melt away the longer he stares at them. “why can’t we be in love for real?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “beomgyu…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “but it’s fine. love shouldn’t hurt this much, right? this can’t be it.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> the connection is broken as beomgyu shuts his eyes again, blocking all the lights that make his head throb with pain. for a moment, there is only the comfort he’s always associated with the days he had soobin around him and actually looking at him. he figures out that he wouldn’t exchange it for anything.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> even if it means swallowing down his pain whenever he looks at soobin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “soobin hyung.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “hm?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “are you in love with her?” he asks, breaking into a soft giggle after saying that because, what cruel universe made him ask that to his crush? he doesn’t even want to know the answer, so he tunes out the surrounding and let the sound of their breathing lull him back into the peaceful slumber where his headache won’t follow him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> but before he lost his senses completely, he vaguely feels a pair of lips pressed against his own, whispering words into his lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> fever dreams are so dangerous. it gives him a false sense of safety. reassuring him that this is actually okay.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> that he is not ruining someone’s relationship by being in love with choi soobin.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> == </em>
</p><p> </p><p>the next time he wakes up, it’s dark. but a more comfortable kind of dark.</p><p>someone else is sleeping next to him, cuddling up against his side and holding him close. a smile spreads over his lips seeing kai’s peaceful sleeping face next to him. it appears that he has gotten over the thing from this morning, enough for him to join his hyung in bed again.</p><p>“good night, kai-ya,” he whispers. </p><p>“it’s morning, hyung.”</p><p>kai’s eyes snap open right after he says that, and it almost launches beomgyu straight out of bed with a loud scream, if only it’s not for the limbs wrapped tightly around him. </p><p>“why are you awake?” he shrieks, lowering his voice only as he gets shushed by the latter. which is funny, because both of them are equally loud on other days. </p><p>“i’ve been awake for a while, but i’m staying here to see if the fever spikes up again, cause the doctor said that if it happens we may have to pay a visit to the emergency room.”</p><p>the information makes him stay silent for a moment, staring at the clock and trying to make sense of the time. so he really passed out during an important event in his career, and got long hours of sleep. it sounds pathetic, especially when he remembers what happened just before he passed out. </p><p>“i had a weird dream,” he says suddenly, eyes blank while the vague memories try to find a place inside his brain. </p><p>“what was it about?”</p><p>“me and soobin hyung in a car. he kissed me and i think he said good bye?” the memory from the kiss is clouded by mist, but he finds it amusing how the feeling of soobin’s lips still linger on top of his own lips. it was just a dream, after all. “it reminds me of what happened in the movie. the actual good bye kiss they had the day they broke up. it was the last time minkyu saw jun for real.”</p><p>“so you’re thinking that the second meetings and everything were just an illusion?”</p><p>“yeah, that’s why the movie is fucked up,” beomgyu laughs, wriggling himself out from the hold around him and sitting himself down on the bed now that he doesn’t feel dizzy anymore. “that’s why i don’t want to live in the illusion like my character did. it’s really over now.”</p><p>there he goes again, being pathetic. as if he hasn’t had enough of it when he sat through the movie with his stomach all twisted knowing that soobin was sitting next to him, yet so far away from his reach. as if his heart didn’t break over and over and over again knowing that soobin would never look at him the way he did in front of the camera.</p><p>“hyung, i think the best thing about your movie is that it could be interpreted in different ways.”</p><p>that caught beomgyu’s interest, as he tilts his head to look at the younger over his shoulder. “not my acting?”</p><p>“that’s so <em> not </em> the point,” beomgyu laughs, waving his hand at the latter to make him continue. “okay, so you think that their second meeting was just an illusion and romance is dead, but i think it was real for jun, as well as it was for minkyu.”</p><p>“what are you saying…”</p><p>“it’s a ghost story.”</p><p>beomgyu stares at him for a few seconds too long before he gets up from the bed and starts looking through his closet for something to wear. “haha. funny.”</p><p>“seriously! your story was the one that could only be seen between the two of you, does that make it non-existent? you dragged him with you after your failed attempt to save him that first night, isn’t that why he stayed in comatose state for a while until the case was solved?”</p><p>“if you say it like that…”</p><p>“hyung, i saw it when he kissed you back there,” this makes beomgyu more alert, looking at kai with question all over his face, wondering if he’s still talking about the movie or if there’s an underlying intention behind it. “it was real for both of you.”</p><p>the lines between their real selves and the characters are getting blurred with the way kai talks about them, as if it’s not already hard enough to figure out the boy on daily basis.</p><p>“so… what do you think i should do?” </p><p>“well, your characters weren’t given a proper ending, that’s the part you think is fucked up, right?” </p><p>“yeah, so?”</p><p>kai stares at him for a few moments before sighing in defeat, as if he’s blaming himself for thinking that beomgyu would get what he was talking about. the actor is left with more questions in his head when kai gives his hair a pat on his way out from the room. </p><p> </p><p>==</p><p> </p><p>do they really need an ending scene?</p><p>for actors like beomgyu, the story never ends. with one movie ending, comes a beginning of a new story. his life doesn’t come with a privilege to write his own story.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> his footsteps were loud in the vast corridor leading to a pair of closed doors. upon entering the office, he was greeted by the sight of his bodyguard standing rigidly on the side, and a stranger tied up on his chair in the middle of the room. he is wearing these ridiculous rockband singer material outfit – the leather jacket, chains on his pants. beomgyu is not sure if that’s a dresscode he would expect from an assassin.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i can’t believe someone really hired a kid to kill me. do they think i have no resources to protect myself? how rude.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i’m one of the best,” the dark blue haired male grits out from his pathetic position on the chair.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> beomgyu clicks his tongue, stepping forwards and grabs him by the chin. “who hired you?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “i can’t tell you that.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “you really won’t?” he cocks his head to a side. a smirk forming on his lips. “it’s going to be messy. well, good thing i like red.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “fuck—“ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“cut!” </p><p>beomgyu lets the smile drop from his face, blinking a few times as his co-actor starts laughing, snapping him out of his daze of being in character. getting cut in the middle of shooting a scene is never pleasant, especially for the reason that he already knows even before the director makes it clear. </p><p>
  <em> not snobbish enough. not enough sadistic hint in his smile. not good enough to potray the character. </em>
</p><p>his character is a rich company heir whose life is in danger because of being targeted by several hitmen, and then he would end up hiring one of the hitmen to join his side and kill the other hitmen. it’s a drama series, so the filming duration would take longer, and if he keeps messing up like this, it will be a nightmare every time he has to shoot with this director. </p><p>“who would have thought it’d be so hard playing a rich, spoiled brat?” he mumbles under his breath, cursing his best friend under his breath for making him confident enough back then to take this offer.</p><p>“right? you do suit that type,” yeonjun chimes in with that annoying grin of his. it’s just his luck that he ends up meeting the guy again in another project. </p><p>“half an hour break!” announced a staff, which makes beomgyu’s shoulders sag in relief as well as dejection. </p><p>he’s not used to be a disappointment, especially since he got praised a lot by the director for his previous project.</p><p>“maybe i should’ve just stick with romance themed films.”</p><p>“there’s some romance a little later in this drama, though,” yeonjun says, and beomgyu regrets turning his gaze to capture his eyes just in time to see the familiar flirty smile on his lips. “bet you can’t wait to film it with me, huh?”</p><p>he offers no comment to that, swivelling around on his feet and ignoring yeonjun’s calls for him to untie him from the chair. the guy can stay there for the whole half an hour for all he cares. </p><p>“yah, choi beomgyu! you’re only nice to soobin!”</p><p>scratch that. he hopes no one untied yeonjun from the chair.</p><p> </p><p>the air only gets less dense when he steps out from the mansion that became their filming site. his character just had to be rich for no reason, which means filming in the middle of nowhere – the place where such a big house would reside. </p><p>“we may run until morning, beomgyu, grab some snacks by the food truck so you won’t be sick again,” his manager warns him when he passed by. he feels sorry that the hyung is always busy because of him. </p><p>he doesn’t even feel like checking the food truck, despite the display shows his churros and iced americano. the combo he likes the most. his legs carried him to walk along the small path leading to the backyard of the house where a gazebo in the middle of the lawn. it’s the kind of calmness that he needs.</p><p>only a small lamp illuminates the gazebo as he steps in, staring up at the starless sky before he shuts his eyes. </p><p>“i’m not beomgyu, i’m junho, that spoiled rich brat who has everything and nothing. he is only a teenager, but he has to stay alive when his relatives tried to kill him for his parents’ money. the only people on his side is his bodyguard, and this new assassin who he can’t even trust with his life.”</p><p>the little narration helps a little in setting up the headspace he needs, and just a few more times of repeating it, he would be walking into that filming site to own that scene. the director would be amazed at him. even yeonjun would acknowledge his talent. </p><p>that’s it, until he feels someone’s presence joining him in the gazebo. </p><p>it’s a little late for him to only notice the male when he’s standing behind him, and he almost gets a whiplash as he turns around so quickly, almost stumbling back if only it’s not for the hand catching his wrist to hold his balance. </p><p>“didn’t i tell you that you don’t belong in the darkness?”</p><p> </p><p>what may have been a very romantic scene under the soft lighting of the park and twinkling of imaginary stars above them goes southward in a record of time. </p><p>unable to comprehend the fact that soobin, <em> the </em> choi soobin is really there with him, beomgyu’s brain might have short-circuited for that quick moment of his hand moving on its own accord. he’s snapped out of it only as a loud crash sounds by the floor, displaying a devastating sight of spilled iced americano and churros sticks. </p><p>“what are you doing?” he yells, snatching his hand away and stepping back from the intruder. </p><p>“you made me drop the snacks!”</p><p>he speaks, which means that he’s not just a part of beomgyu’s imagination. he’s also solid to the touch when beomgyu reaches out to poke his chest, earning a confused stare from the elder. he can only hope that he’s not just an illusionary ghost the way his character was. but beomgyu can’t find a single explanation on why the guy would be there.</p><p>“okay, you’re real,” he finally exhales the words, pacing around the small space of the gazebo before he directs his gaze back at the taller male. “but why are you <em> here </em>?”</p><p>soobin’s eyes are following his movement, along with the amused smile he has playing on the pair of attractive lips of his. “yeonjun hyung told me that he’s working on this new project with you, and that you’ll be filming here today.”</p><p>“oh.”</p><p>“so i brought you a food truck, and i came with it,” the additional detail gained beomgyu’s attention back at him, his eyebrow arched in interest. “because i want to see you.”</p><p>“oh?” </p><p>he shuts his mouth after the word (is that even a word?) slips past his lips. leave it to soobin to reduce him into this state of brain meltdown when he can only produce monosyllabic responses that are not even words. and when he can’t use his brain, his heart and emotion take over. </p><p>it’s only this time as beomgyu lets himself have a proper look at soobin, under the dim light of a gazebo behind a filming site, that he allows himself to <em> feel </em> again.</p><p>he just hates the feelings come in a form of a squeeze to his heart, which constricts his lungs and sends a taste of acid up his throat. and he absolutely hates that soobin doesn’t have a clue about these emotions he’s kept hidden, standing there with his stupidly attractive smile of his and making his heart do things even as it’s being wrenched in a painful grip. </p><p>“why do you have to show up again?” he ends up saying instead, followed by a dry laugh out of his lips. </p><p>“beomgyu.”</p><p>“saying all these stuff and being sweet to me again…”</p><p>“gyu—“</p><p>“do you know how hard it was for me to put an ending to my stupid crush? it was the perfect ending, that the last time we see each other was when the project was finished,” he can’t stop talking now, ignoring the way soobin stares at him with his eyes wide. “and you just have to walk into my life again like you have the right to do that! do you know how hard it was for me to not like you anymore?”</p><p>“choi beomgyu!” soobin’s voice is louder than his for once, that his stream of jumbled thoughts are shut off along with his little explosion of anger. he looks up at the elder’s voice when the warm hands are cupping his cheeks, causing his attention to be fixed on soobin completely. </p><p>“can’t you just let me move on? please?”</p><p>he sounds pathetic now, his words about to crumble into a mere whimper. soobin is an understanding guy, so beomgyu expects the guy to walk away any time soon. but the hands are not leaving his hands, as well as soobin’s sharp gaze on him, intimidating and nailing him right where he is standing. </p><p>“i can’t do that.”</p><p>“what?” so much for being understanding. </p><p>“beomgyu, i never wanted us to end. not like that,” soobin starts speaking, pressing a finger onto beomgyu’s lips just as he looks like he’s going to counter his words. “i’m sorry that it took a while to get back to you and it’s like i was leading you on when i liked you and wanted to go out with you just as much—“</p><p>“you <em> what </em>?” he shrieks, interrupted by his own fit of coughs. he can’t breathe. not when soobin is spilling all these revelations that don’t make sense. at all. </p><p>“i like you a lot, okay? i want us to be something.”</p><p>“soobin, that’s so unfair!” he snaps once he’s over his coughing fit, now more angry than anything. “i was right there. i asked you out and i dropped a lot of hints that i was absolutely smitten for you, and now you want me only when you already have a girlfriend? you’re asking me to be an evil homewrecker—“</p><p>“you won’t be that person because namjoo and i are not actually dating!” soobin cuts him before he could go further, making his words hang in the void of the air between them, left forgotten even by his own tongue. “it was an agreement to add more hype into the drama. you would’ve known that if only you didn’t cut me off!”</p><p>soobin is the one who sounds angry this time. his eyebrows knitted together, as if it bothers him so much that beomgyu changed his number without telling him. it makes him shrink back, teeth sinking into his bottom lip. the elder must have noticed that too, since his voice softens the next moment he speaks, sounding more tired than anything else.</p><p>“i didn’t want to push you if you really hated me, but then you said these things at the premier event. because if there’s a slightest chance that you still want me, i don’t want to let go of that.”</p><p>they are engulfed by silence after that, and it gets suffocating that beomgyu starts considering whether he should run away or run into soobin’s arms. but he does none of that, staring at the spilled coffee on the ground instead. </p><p>“if you liked me, why didn’t you tell me?”</p><p>soobin grimaces at this, rubbing the back of his nape. “i wasn’t so sure if you liked me back. you might have just been an amazing actor and it got carried into your daily life and it wasn’t me that you liked.”</p><p>“seriously? <em> seriously? </em>” beomgyu hisses, giving a light punch on soobin’s chest before his hand is taken again. this time it’s in the way that makes his heart skip a beat again, how soobin’s fingers curl gently around his wrist. “i fell in love with you not as our characters!”</p><p>“you fell in love with me—“</p><p>“why do you have to,” he grits out. “be,” each word is punctuated by a slap to soobin’s chest. “so. stupid.”</p><p>soobin is not deflecting the attack. this time, he only inches forward, bumping his head gently against beomgyu’s. their eyes locked as he looks up at the elder, blinking slowly at the way soobin is looking at him so tenderly. as if they haven’t been engaged in this tiring conversation that unpacks the load in their chests from the past few months. </p><p>“i know it might be too late for me to try fixing things now, that you’ve moved on. but can we turn this into a better ending for us?”</p><p>beomgyu shuts his eyes, unable to think properly with the way the other is looking at him. </p><p>“you want this to be our ending?”</p><p>“i don’t want to ask for too much. but we deserve at least an ending where you don’t hate me.”</p><p>it’s unfair, that beomgyu had to go through those months of heartbreak only to find out that it’s the price he has to pay for being stupid. that he spent a long time trying to get over a certain choi soobin, only for the guy himself to ruin his attempt by showing up. </p><p>and it’s extremely unfair that his heart is still responding to soobin the same way it has always been. betraying him at his most vulnerable moment. </p><p>“beomgyu-ssi! it’s time to go back!” </p><p>the call from a staff jerks him out from the thought, that he abruptly pulls away from the contact he has with the latter. he avoids soobin’s gaze as he turns around, readying himself to go back to the next chapter of his story that he had set his mind to enter. </p><p>“i need to go,” he says, ignoring the way soobin looks like he wants to reach out and hold him back or he might crumble right there. </p><p>but beomgyu is a professional. it should be easy for him to move from one story to another and switch his feelings on and off at any time. so he tells his heart to shut up as he turns around to leave soobin in the dimly lit gazebo. </p><p>this was the ending scene that he needed as a closure for his and soobin’s story. </p><p> </p><p>(that is, what ideally happens in a story. </p><p>the reality is that beomgyu didn’t even manage making three steps away from the small building before he turns back around, this time running straight into soobin’s eyes. he finds delight in watching the hyung’s eyes grow big for a second before his whole body relaxes as beomgyu’s lips find his in a kiss. </p><p>it’s a slow, sweet kiss, unlike the ones they shared before the camera to tell someone else’s story, or the ones influenced by tears and headache. it tastes like a new beginning. a promise of something sweet.</p><p>“wait for me? i will rock this take and be out in a flash,” beomgyu says when they part, and soobin can still taste the smile on his lips as he watches beomgyu’s eyes shine with glee. “and then you can take me out in your food truck.”</p><p>soobin laughs at that, and that’s what beomgyu needs to see before he turns around to run back into the house for real this time. his heart starts pounding in his chest in a way it never did before. </p><p>as he carries this feeling, accompanied by the lingering touch of soobin’s lips on his own, beomgyu comes into a conclusion that it’s not the ending scene that he wanted. </p><p>it’s this opening scene of the new chapter in their story, where they can fall in love as choi beomgyu and choi soobin.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i wrote this when i was in writing slump so it's mostly just word vomit and I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH 24K WORDS OF THAT but hey!! since you got this far, leave some feedback? &lt;3 and do tell me if i miss some tags!</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://twitter.com/soogyulvr">twt</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>